Sunday, March 31, 2013

wkey wakey

Been spending the past week immersed in Eckhart Tolle. I had read his first book a few yrs back but I wasn't ready for it. He blows my mind and I get occassional "aha" moments when I listen to him or read his books. He did a ten week series with Oprah discussing each chapter and it's amazing. One particular episode (I'm on class 5) discusses the pain body. When he goes into it, I was able to clearly relate to what he was saying about how the pain body feeds off of intimate relationships in particular. At about twenty five minutes into the episode he discusses something that was so accurate in me and it was such a revelation to gain some understanding as to what was the root of my negative behaviour was about. At some point with any 'love' male/female relationship, I attempt to emotionally devour my partner. When I look back on my behaviour I feel as if I were literally possessed at the time. Until I heard this, I was not able to understand why I would treat someone that I loved, with such horrible hateful behaviour. Knowing that I have the awareness and therefore the ability to recognise what is happening on an unconscious level is very freeing. Eckhart says "and of course, when the pain body takes over a person, the whole personality becomes transformed. Sometimes people are shocked when they marry somebody or start living with somebody and this lovely man or woman that they love so much suddenly one morning turns into a little monster. A total energy shift in them, a complete change in energy like it's truly as if they were possessed by a completely different, very negative personality. etc... Wow. I thought I was the only one. I am thankful that I have a clearer understanding to my behaviour.
Recognising the mind chatter for what senseless jabber that it is, the ego with its need to be right, and the 'stories' and judgements created out of perceptions filtered through the ego, all cause suffering, all these things can be lessened with staying present and staying aware.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Because it is.

Last night I was walking from work and feeling quite sentimental about someone...(notice the word 'mental' is in there) , anyways I decided to approach my 'problem' using 'The Work" of Byron Katie (nice parents, name their daughter Byron) anywaysss....I like her stuff altho I don't always get it or know how to really utilize her approach. It helped immensely tho last nite. I love the simplicity of it. I was doing a 'one belief at a time' worksheet and if you're familiar with the work then u know its about questioning our concepts, stories etc. It isn't what happens to us but our story that we've attached to the experience that causes us problems. When we believe our thoughts we suffer, when we question them and hold them up to the light per se, we don't suffer. Everything really is a mirror and an opportunity to tear away the false beliefs that create our misery. One example is "I miss so and so" okay, so that's just that but when I say 'oh I shouldn't still miss this person, jeez whats wrong with me, God what an idjut I am ...'etc etc. Then the reality of missing someone becomes all this other shit. That's the negative attachment. I don't suffer from missing someone, I suffer if I believe I shouldn't and that I'm some fuck up because I shouldn't miss them still. So I drop the story, I drop the judgement and self criticism that turns that thought into a whole emotional ball of crap.. I miss so and so becomes ...I miss so and so...period. How do I know it's okay to miss them?? Because I do, period and that's reality and it is not all the judgement I attach to that thought. In one of her books I have on audio this woman is doing the work on her boyfriend sorta guy who is unavailable. "I need him to call me" and Katie asks "So what do believe when you think the thought he should call you and he doesn't?" She replies "That I'm worthless, unlovable, not good enough". So again, there is the cause of her suffering. It's what she believes about herself because he doesn't call her. The problem isn't his not calling, it's her story about what it means when he doesn't call. Katie will go on to say "So how do you know you don't need him to call you....(silence)...because he isn't calling" It really is as simple as that. Simple but not easy because our minds left unquestioned will attach meaning to everything and that meaning which is our often painful story will devour us. When I get in that place of truth, I feel so good. It makes sense because it is not reality that bites, it's our story about what everything means. Onward and upward mofos. xo


“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
 “A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”

“How do you react when you think you need people's love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can't bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren't, and then when they say "I love you," you can't believe it, because they're loving a facade. They're loving someone who doesn't even exist, the person you're pretending to be. It's difficult to seek other people's love. It's deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.”
Byron Katie


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

fack. Thats my post lol. Fack...fack it, oh fack and wut tha fack.I'm beyond sick of winter, snow, cold ass air and layers of clothing. My kids are both off to Cuba next week so that's great for them. I'm too po to go now but maybe one day soon. I need a break, a change, it's rutsville again for me. Lately its an endless cycle of -woohoo Friday-oh crapola Monday...cheery aren't I.
We were talking at work about gratitude. Sometimes that word dries up in my mouth. It's like rainbows, butterflies and ooey gooey BUT I know it's the right attitude to have. It isn't hard to come up with a zillion things to be thankful for but its meaning it, really feeling it that matters. Sometimes, for as much as I desire growth, moving forward and working on my shit, I just don't make the effort. I think about it but that's not enough.Where am I going with this?? No where, I just wonder so much about so many things.  It's like, if I'm me and i want to do something, work on something but I don't do it, then who is that? I mean, I know it's me but why the conflict. Does everyone feel like that, torn or like you're waging a war against yourself at times. My coach calls them our gremlins but if they're a part of me then why are they such shit disturbers. Why do we have to have an inner part that wants to sabotage our efforts? Maybe enlightenment is when that gremlin is completely and permanently indisposed, instead of the other way around. I dunno. Why is really being you're own bestest friend so hard. Maybe it's easy for others but not for me. Mind you I think a lot of people are zombie-ized anyway. I'm not trying to be mean or judgemental, just honest. A lot of people couldnt care less. How nice for them but thats not workin for me, never has. I just want peace, happiness, love, and apparently that has to really really rrreeeeaaaalllly start from within. Beautiful, fack. Fack!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

..youre a tool...


Was at the Pink show tonight at ACC. Had a blast. I really love Pink and it's funny because I actually had an epiphany during the show. I'm always thinking about how Pink sends out such a positive message to women, girls etc because she's straight up, strong, tough yet feminine, beautiful and amazing because it's all about being who you really are with her. My beef in the past tho was at some of her songs which I thought were kind of wimpy..."don't leave me' boo hoo madness and such, and I always dissed her for that. Then I realized that it's because I don't accept that part of myself. Yes I'm strong, capable, independent, tough, courageous and a fighter AND I'm also weak, vulnerable, scared, insecure, frightened and fearful at times. So I'm thinking about that and I turn to my friend and say how I love Pinks strength but I've always had a hard time accepting that weak ass side to her when it comes to men and relationships. My friend (who I've only known about three years) sez...."Oh jeez, cuz you're exactly like that too!" I said  "I know!!" and we burst out laughing.
The show, by the way, had an amazing encore with Pink acrobating around the stadium to "So What", one of my fave songs and it was amazing. She sang "Who Knew" which made me cry cuz it reminds me of my bro and actually, I cried three times and so did my friend. Then Pink was introducing her band members and she said to one chick, the bass player I think...'plus I like you because you cry all the time like I do" and I thought "fuck, amen sistah"

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Do It For YOU

There comes a point where you realize that certain things just aint workin for you. I've come to that place quite a few times over various things and it takes whatever it takes to move forward. I've seen all too many times people (myself included obviously) struggling with an issue and then chastising themselves for struggling with it. Thats about as helpful as using gasoline to put out a forest fire. Why we believe that beating ourselves up is effective in goal reaching is baffling.
One thing for sure is the importance of setting a goal. And I don't mean mulling stuff over in your head and then deciding "Ok, ya ya, that's what I need to do" and then moving on. I mean sit down, get quiet and ask yourself 'what is it I want to do here?' Get honest first because if you're anything like me, you can bullshit yourself til the cows come home. Trust me, I have some of the best arguments with myself. I have to call myself out a lot! I recently made a decision about a relationship that I had told myself about thirty seven thousand times before, I was not going to continue with. Then of course I would get right back into it. I thought 'Jezus, when am I am going to stick to my word and stay 'no contact?" and my response was "When you get clear on what you really want". That was the aha moment. I break the promise because I don't even really know what the hell the promise is. Thinking about stuff in your head is one thing, getting clear and getting real are another. So I sat down, got quiet and said "What is my goal here?" Okay, it's to have zero contact with this person. And I asked myself..."Are you sure thats what you want because you keep saying that shit and then you do make contact! so which is it cuz I'm tired of your bullshit and I'm tired of your lack of integrity and broken promises to yourself."...(Yes I do argue with myself this way but I like it lol), Touche...and, I continued with my self tirade...'if you want to stay in contact then say so and do it and accept that you enjoy suffering, otherwise quit the crap'. So I thought about it deep and hard and realized yup, I honestly do want no contact so I can close the door and move on. Getting real is not easy but it's the only path to ourselves that aids in creating a meaningful life. It means facing our controlling and manipulative behaviours which serve only to keep us stuck, miserable and focused on externals (people,objects, addictions) that we mistakenly believe are going to save us, change us etc...and hows that workin for ya? It isn't! I got honest about why I was really maintaining contact. Why have I stayed in touch with this person? Well cuz they're my friend (bullshit)and ya know, (bullshit)we enjoy talking to each other  and it's okay that they dumped me (bullshit) to find someone more suitable cuz we can stay friends(bullshit). Wow, really?? isnt that cozy...and detrimental, unhealthy and uh a great way for you to keep the fantasy alive that they will come back and ummmm what else, a great way to avoid closure, yup that too, and a fantastic way to keep you from meeting someone who will treat you with the love, commitment and adoration you deserve. Wake up! Have some self esteem and move the fuck on. Whether or not this person is nice, great, was a friend...blah blah blah, this isnt about them.
Make the goal from a place of inner truth and honor yourself, put yourself first, stopping putting anyone else's needs first especially when it compromises your integrity and values. Let go, trust and love yourself enough to put yourself in the drivers seat. People this is not a dress rehearsal.xoxox