Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Hello Pheonix

When ever we go through a period of emotional stress, a time when our inner resources need to be called upon to give us the strength or insight to work our way through something, it's so important to allow ourselves the compassion and understanding that we so readily expect others to provide for us. We often seek out a good friend and confidant to validate our decisions when, if we truly gave that to ourselves, we wouldn't depend on others to give it to us. It's easy to get caught up in wondering why we haven't moved past an issue or why we are still struggling but those 'whys' become an avoidance and stumbling block if we aren't careful to see them for what they are. We can mistakenly believe that answering those questions will help us move forward but so often they become one more tool stemming from a place of self flagellation and not a rung on the ladder of successful healing. When we focus on the question 'why', we are no longer trusting in the process.
There is no handbook or clear cut process to success. Yes, there are steps that we know we must take, attitudes to develop but unless we embrace the process without comparing ourselves to others, we can get stuck in believing that we should be doing it 'this way' or 'that way' and as a result, our healing grinds to a halt.
For so many of us we believe that we are the master director, puppeteer, and script writer for every 'character' in our life. The truth is we are only in control of ourselves and even that is debatable. Letting go and acceptance mean we release the white knuckled grip that has us believing we're in charge. As difficult as it is, and yup it is, we trust that we are being watched over, cared for and that life is for us, not against us.
Trying to control any situation will ultimately backfire because we simply cannot do it. We try, well I know Ive tried and it never works. And then I try harder and it still doesn't work.
When we look at how things haven't worked in the past, we don't need to beat ourselves and stamp the 'failure' mark on our foreheads. Nothing we go through is worth regretting if we learn from it. The trouble is so often we run around inside of our head chasing our gremlin instead of quietly sitting with ourselves and gaining insight. Stop focusing on why and release the need to figure it all out. Learn from the pain, in the sense that it can awaken us to behaviours and issues that we need to face about ourselves lovingly. We haven't failed anything, especially when our experiences bring us closer to knowing what we do want in our life and where we need stronger boundaries. One of my issues of control is getting involved with someone romantically and then trying to hard to keep their love. I start thinking if I meet their needs, go along with what they want, never ask for what I want, that they'll just be so darn happy to have little miss agreeable by their side. it's deadly insidious and its a breeding ground for resentment and anger. I know now that giving up who I am inj hopes that I can become what I think you want me to be is toxic and ridiculous. I'm not referring to healthy compromise, I'm talking about "so who do you want me to be?" bullshit. Yuk and did I say YUK!
Who we are, what we like, what we do, whatever, cannot be adjusted to fit someone elses agenda. Yet we all do it to varying degrees and like I said, I'm not talking about normal give and take, I'm talking "so who do I have to be to please you?" No,stop it. We have to have the confidence to stay authentic. It's like dating someone who is unaffectionate and you know that but you think 'well maybe they will become more affectionate when we are in a committed relationship". Yes, you can ask them if you need some affection but to hold onto a belief that they will change and become all touchy feely love love is only going to cause resentment down the road. See, we meet someone who we fall for because they fit our 'criteria' for the most part. In the places where they fall short we erroneously believe we can get them to be that way if we cajole and annoy them enough lol. We wear blinders. I for example where a lot of eye make up. I remember dating a guy who shortly into the relationship would comment about 'why did I need to wear so much make up? What? Ok that ex. is superficial but you get the point. If I wore it all the time when you first got to know me and you don't like girls who wear make up then what the fug are you doing with me? In the past tho I would have tried to not wear it or toned it down instead of giving that shit right back and saying "cuz I do and if you don't like it then go find someone who fits your image cuz it aint me. Those things may seem harmless but they aren't!  I'm also an on/off smoker, okay ya it's not wonderful but it is what it is. If I quit because my partner thinks I shouldn't smoke then WRONG. If you came into the relationship knowing I smoked then deal or scram but don't bug me about it. If I quit because I want to but usually I quit to try and please them. I have jumped through flaming hoops for some men only to realize that it does not work. Ever. No more hoops. What you see is what you get, if you don't like it then you are free to move on. I will not change for anyone anymore because I am perfectly ME.
We are who we are and I don't mean that acting like an asshole is acceptable with the attitude "well thats just the way I am" Im not saying that at all, wehave to give and take but thats not the same as trying to please someone and cease being yourself which I have been notorious for. They love me for who I am and then I become someone else thinking they will love me for. If thats not stressful (acting/pretending) then what is.
Be yourself because you are the only person like you in the whole wide world. xoxo

Monday, February 25, 2013

Aerosmith - Amazing...you finally see the light...when the moment arrives and you know that you'll be all right

Ah fug, whatever.

Lately I have been forced to re-evaluate two important relationships in my life. My two "best friends" have been a part of my life on and off for over thirty years. There have been times we've been inseparable and times when we hardly spoke at all because of lifes little twists and turns that took us on different paths. We have always somehow managed tho to find one another again and reconnect. The three of us definitely have history and familiarity, but sometimes you have to step back and re-evaluate the dynamics and look at what youre giving/getting out of these relationships and are they nurturing or draining your life energy/force?  I realize nothing is black and white and there are always trying times as well as good times  BUT overall there has to be a positive upward motion in any relationship or else the static energy becomes stale and loathsome. Unfortunately when you have history it becomes easy to fall into a pattern of a kind of emotional flatlining. You stay because you've always stayed sort of thing and perhaps for reasons we aren't consciously aware of. Do I love these guys? Of course! Would I do whatever I could if they needed me? Without a doubt. Would I stay around even if our values, ideologies, level of integrity, and attitudes changed dramatically? Hmmm, good question and one I'm facing in a way. If you're anything like me then the harshest criticism you face is from within. Your severest judgements bubble up from inside and that can make trusting your inner voice very difficult. Your gremlin can sabotage your efforts and try and convince you that you're being a self righteous judgmental twat when in reality you are setting personal boundaries that are coming from a healthy self esteem that is alerting you to something that is no longer working for you or acceptable any longer. With both these people, different issues have triggered this response within me. Without going into detail, the one was recently arrested for illegal activity that isn't earth shattering but none the less, illegal. It isn't even the fact he got nabbed for doing what he does that bothers me, he's been doing it for over thirty five years,  it's his reaction to it. His overall critical attitude towards life is of a victim. I get that because I have struggled with changing that within myself and my attitude. But he isn't struggling to change that at all. He sees his arrest as how he has been wronged, victimized, persecuted. Not once has he looked at this experience as a possible wake up call to a way of living that is not honoring anything positive for him. He has so much going for him but it's lost mostly because he chooses to get high every day and talk the good talk but never walk it. He has yet to step back and take responsibility for his arrest by seeing that it happened as a result of him engaging in illegal activity. Nope, he's right and theyre wrong. I just, I hoped this would shake him up enough for him to see how he could spend his time becoming the person he says he wants to be, fulfilling his dreams and goals. Aint gonna happen. We had a huge fight because I wanted him to see the positive side to this experience and see it as an obvious sign of what really isn't working for him,  hit the proverbial rock bottom and rise from the ashes. In order for me to stay engaged in any conversation, I have to nod and agree....."yes, poor you, how unfair this whole experience has been..." When I tried to explain that a real friend would say "Good, you've been knocked down, now get up, give your gddmn head a shake and wake up!" he couldn't hear that. I have to be phony because unless I support his victim mentality then in his eyes I am a traitor. The only traitor in all of this is him. He has betrayed himself, his ambition, his dreams and he has abandoned achieving his life purpose and how in fuck am I supposed to support that? I work hard on facing my demons and struggles. It's no picnic but I want better and I want my life to mean something. I was created for a purpose in my opinion and damned to hell if I'm going to let my life pass me by. I'm far from perfect and I'm pretty fucking nuts sometimes but I try to look at myself and remember that no one else is my problem at the end of the day.
With my other friend, I feel so distant from her. Our issues started out for a different reason. I admit I was hurt and angry initially, but the whole experience gave me insight into our relationship and how unfulfilled I feel at times with her on many levels. I love her a lot but again I have to quiet my "self" in order to get along. It's okay that we don't share the same insights and attitudes but sometimes it feels so awfully lonely to be around someone and have such little to relate on. I feel as if we have grown apart so much. I don't want to go out and get drunk all the time. I rarely drink at all anymore simply because I don't really enjoy it. Yes a few at a party but not shit faced drunk, I just find it a waste of time. Maybe we simply have grown apart. Maybe in time we will reconnect, but right now it's just not working. I don't expect someone to mirror me in order for us to get along. I just want to be able to have a meaningful discussion, talk about shit that matters and right now what matters to her and what matters to me are not from the same page, not even the same book. I guess I'm transitioning again. I say that because changes like this always happen and I don't even notice them until it's kind of passed. I don't care if I sound judgmental because that is not where I'm coming from. Thats why I mentioned the 'gremlin'. I don't think they are wrong and I'm right, I just think our differences are detrimental to ignore. I love them both and they love me but what does that mean ya know. In the issue with her, she has basically discarded me for her new boyfriend and altho we have talked about it and Ive told her how much it hurts me, she keeps doing it. We used to talk almost everyday,text, email...something. If I don't call her then I don't hear from her. period. I get that her being in a relationship is going to take up more of her time which means less time for our friendship but this isn't less this is nada, zero, zilch. She has done this with every guy and I have tried to talk, told her how it hurts me and she apologises but then nothing changes.Bottom line, that  is not the way you treat someone that you 'love'. Talk is fucking cheap and actions really do speak louder than words.
  I had a friend years ago and her dad loved her, always told her that he loved her, he also liked to fuck her, so really, what does "I love you" mean when the actions of a person are anything but loving.

Sunday, February 17, 2013


Gads, haven't been here in a bit....conveniently bypassed Valentines Day hehehehe. Watched a bizarre documentary titled "Catfish". Was a bit draggy but really fugged and actually sad as shit. Don't want to give anything away about it other than.....yikes. People can weave some serious shit thanks to the internet. Sure people can impress us face to face with false personality traits and the like but the internet could be renamed the land of make believe.....wait, isn't that California?
Winter needs to piss the hell off. So sick of snow, wind and wearing enough gear to clothe an entire village in a third world country. Tasteless comment....why yes.
Did I rant about having to change work locations?? I think I went on about it a while ago, as it turns out, I really enjoy my new setting. Isn't that life. Not that a gazzillion people didn't already rag on me for getting so upset for nothing but oh well, live and learn.Where I am now I have little interaction with patients and do most of the locating (paging doctors). It's clear cut, no mess no fuss. Before I had to deal primarily with patients and trying to figure out how to help them which is more difficult than it sounds. Anyhow, I really like it. No it isn't rocket science but it's a full time decent paying job and for that I am thankful.
Anyhow, I don't feel like getting into anything too deep today, that can of worms isn't open for discussion today so I apologise for a boring post but wanted to check in.
Cheers. xo