Saturday, January 19, 2013

Freddie Mercury

 I felt like doing a blurb on Freddie Mercury. I'm sitting here desperately trying to get my ass out of bed and clean this den of inequity.....blah. I'm listening to Queens first album simply titled Queen,released in 73 I think. By far their best album in my opinion, absolutely amazing. I was about 11 when that album debuted and my brother introduced me to their style. I've loved it since then. One of my favorite tracks on the album, Modern Times Rock n Roll, is performed by Roger Taylor (he composed a lot of their music including this song). "Liar", "The Night Comes Down", "Jesus"....okay the whole album is terrific!
I had a mad crush on Freddie when I was a girl. His overbite was probably to blame lol as I had quite buck teeth myself. Cute like a baby kangaroo lol.
Mercury was a Parsi born in Zanzibar (no not the strip bar lol, I just crack myself up) . Anyways, he grew up there and in India until his mid teens. His birth name was Farrokh Bulsara.

What an incredibly gifted man he was.  A few yrs back I watched a movie titled "And The Band Played On" which was about the Aids epidemic and the credits are played to Elton John's "The Last Song". They show pictures of people who died from Aids related illness. As soon as Freddie's face flashed on the screen, I fricken bawled. You can't love someone you never knew but I sure held a deep affection for his music and voice. xo

The Real You - Alan Watts

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I had such a melt down last night after work. I felt so angry, frustrated and completely abandoned by life, God and everything. I've been reading "Sacred Contracts" by Caroline Myss. I've listened to many of her lectures and I think she is a gifted insightful woman, and I love her no nonsense tell it like it is approach.
Now, I have always felt drawn to searching for meaning in my life. It's probably why I spent a great deal of my younger years in a drunken state of disrepair. I wanted to stay in a fog because the questions that plagued my psyche seemed unanswerable and better left alone. But the desire for answers never disappeared. The urge to discover what my purpose was....the proverbial 'why was I born' question was always there inside, begging to be acknowledged no matter how hard I tried to ignore it.
I think it's fair to say that everyone has their journey. The journey has its peaks and valleys, times of rest and times of deep inner challenge. For me, these past couple of years have been very significant in my 'coming into my own'. I have struggled more than ever with my demons, fears and facing the dark night of my soul. Never before have I had to struggle quite so intensely. I have looked, prayed, meditated, cried, begged, prayed some more and last night it all came to a head. As I walked home, I raged inside at God. I felt so lonely, insignificant and unloved. I felt the familiar pain of rejection that I still haven't gotten over from my last relationship. "What the fuck do you want from me God?" "Why won't you answer my prayers or make things work out for me??" "Why would you allow me to love someone so deeply and become so happy with that person only to have them decide to move on without me?""Do you enjoy watching me suffer, are you a masochist?" "Are you even there God, do you a give a shit about me at all?" I felt such utter resignation. I wanted answers as to why these past couple years have been so difficult, so gut wrenching. And it isn't just the ex, it was everything. How hard I have tried to find my way, to become the person I want to be that is forgiving, peaceful, loving and non judgmental. How I have faced some darker parts of my soul in hopes that I would be transformed.  I cried as I walked and finally said to God..."Fine, you know what, fuck you, I give up, I'm done trying because nothing makes a bit of difference."
I stayed in my tantrum for about an hour. By the time I got home I was exhausted. In the quiet of my room I felt a voice within say "I'm glad that you've stopped trying, maybe now you will let go and listen to my voice when I speak to your soul." I started to cry again..(ya ya, I cry sometimes ) and I had this non verbal dialogue where I came to understand that listening to God, trusting, faith, are all the same things. They are following the voice or whatever u want to call it that speaks from within. It isn't about logic or understanding because understanding is a mental process. Thats where I am at right now. I don't expect many people to 'get' what I'm going through. I usually get comments like-'you think too much, or, you're way too deep' lol. No, I'm me. Just because I'm not the way you are does not mean I am "too" anything. Maybe you is a shallow superficial mofo. (Ok ok, I didn't say I was perfect lol) So many times I have said things like "I want to know my purpose" and been met with comments like "What?, why, there is no reason why we are alive etc" and that is when I realize that not everyone walks the same path at the same time. Regardless, I don't want to give up and I can't help but believe that these questions exist because they do have answers. I'm not trying anymore, at least in the sense of figuring it out. I'm going to work at letting go, trusting and being open to hearing the voice within.

Friday, January 11, 2013

I know u r but what am i.

Had a fresh veggie drink yesterday with beet in it, which of course turned my damn pee all red. I had a flash  of "crap, now I'm dying, that sucks" and then I realized it was just the damn beet juice.
I have to put a picture on here of my new (nameless) kitten because she is so freakin ass cute I could scream. Thats her with one of my dogs. Cutie pies. Anywaysssssssssssssssssssssssssss. My other cat is so not amused lol. Cranky bum.
I have a lot to write about but don't really know where to start. How about I start here. I was walking home from work ruminating about something, growing pissier by the second, when my inner voice said "Is this what you want to think about?? Is this how you want to spend your mental energy, wasting it on old shit??" and i realized that making changes takes work. Changing behavior patterns requires awareness and purpose. Not allowing the ego and saboteur to grab the reins is crucial. It isn't easy but so what. I thought...(ya I think a lot on my way home) my problem is my belief that life isn't supposed to be difficult. That I shouldn't experience pain, sadness or grief...EVER. Because that belief is unconscious, one gets the bonus of added insult to injury. Where the hell did I ever learn that life should never involve suffering? I'm not even talking basic Buddhism 101 either.
I also really had an "aha" moment with something I've been struggling on and off with for quite a while. I was doing the usual "C'mon God, can't u just take this away, just erase this whole shit ass experience and pain from my memory?" and my guidance said "When you get the lesson, it will be done". Yikes. No mess no fuss. I realized that I haven't really been open to getting the lesson. I've been either trying too hard to figure it out intellectually or I've been avoiding the whole damn thing. Lessons are not meant to be mentally figured out, dated, stamped and compartmentalized. The meaning of the lesson(s), in my opinion, are an unfolding and opening that happens as a result of quiet introspection beyond logic. Connection to inner self. It is not about figuring it out, it's about letting the truth (light) seep in to those unknown dark places that we've kept hidden in our shame and grief. I have not been willing to honestly sit with myself and get real. So I prayed for the willingness, the openness to learn what I need to learn from this whole painful experience of the past couple years. Until I get it, I will suffer. As long as I still harbor feelings of betrayal, anger, victimization, blame and more blame, I will suffer. Those feelings are normal but after a certain amount of time, they are nothing more then blocks of poison that keep me from learning the lesson. I can justify it til the cows come home and blow up and die, but what will that do to me? How will I grow from staying in that shitty place? I won't grow and then I can join the ranks of the millions of angry, judgmental finger pointing people out there. Uh, no thanks. I've done that long enough. People get stuck in their resentments because it's easier to do that then take responsibility, face and learn the lesson and move forward. Actually it isn't easier, but our fear tells us it is. I am where I am in my life. I can't compare my life with anyones. Someone from work asked me today what I was reading and she looked at my book 'Sacred Contracts' by Caroline Myss and rolled her eyes. i didn't feel mad or shamed, I thought...we arent all called in the same direction at the same time, and all journeys ultimately lead to the same light so let it be. Oh dear God I'm a hippie lol. Nooooooooooooooooooo Just sayin. xoxoxo

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


As I get older I notice how certain personality traits become more ingrained while others fade away. I have less tolerance for mindless small talk and crave stimulation for the mind as opposed to only feeding and nurturing my physical self. Not to say I don't appreciate a hot looking guy...(lol, that sounds juvenile) but it's a fleeting attraction unless intelligence is present.(Intelligence has been defined in many different ways including, but not limited to, abstract thoughtunderstandingself-awarenesscommunicationreasoninglearning, having emotional knowledgeretainingplanning, and problem solving. I'm definitely sapiosexual.
My most successful relationships have been with men who I could have in-depth spiritual and meaningful conversations with. I have seen a pattern though where I choose men who are not too bright (some, not all) but I'm starting to see why I've done that. It gave me a sense of the upper hand, power that I mistakenly believed I needed to possess in order to stay one step ahead....one foot always out the emotional door. That apparent "need" was based on fear and self protection. When I reflect on my choices and what has motivated me, I see where and why my relationships have failed. I mean, coming to know oneself requires an honesty that melts away the fantasy image that society would implore us to hang onto. The sometimes unflattering truth that's exposed in brutal self observation needs to be embraced with compassion and not viewed with shame as a character defect. We all possess a shadow side, and through recognition of this self comes the ability to wholly embrace who we are, warts and all. To be open to reflective consciousness empowers us to shine the light of truth onto and into our dark recesses of self loathing and view those aspects of our being as rungs on a ladder to more truth and self acceptance. We aren't alone in these truths, we just believe we are because we are taught to hide and ignore the existence of our shadow self, as if admitting it is a part of us would render us powerless and ostracized by society. I suppose in some cases and with some people it would, well fucking cheers to that. I don't want phony people in my life. We can, we must own our total self. When we can accept ourselves fully, then we can accept everyone else without expecting them to be perfect and flawless. Perfect does not exist. Yet look around, on a superficial level it's what so many of us strive for everyday. We attempt to compensate physically for what we feel is lacking inside. What wasted energy. We are perfect, but not as in flawless and unblemished, but simply perfect as in whole and possessing the spirit that created us. That inner essence that defies conditioned logical understanding. Life is not a logical journey. Living requires not knowing and moving forward regardless, moving forward in the peace and power of our divine selves.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Diego Koi

If you haven't heard of artist Diego Koi, I implore you to check out his mind blowing photo realism work. It's both inspiring and for me, depressing, in that I throw up my pencils in an envious resignation of defeat. Yes, I know, nobody is good at everything but everybody is good at something but shit, he is an incredibly gifted artist. I wish I could draw the way he does. Amazing.