There comes a point where you realize that certain things just aint workin for you. I've come to that place quite a few times over various things and it takes whatever it takes to move forward. I've seen all too many times people (myself included obviously) struggling with an issue and then chastising themselves for struggling with it. Thats about as helpful as using gasoline to put out a forest fire. Why we believe that beating ourselves up is effective in goal reaching is baffling.
One thing for sure is the importance of setting a goal. And I don't mean mulling stuff over in your head and then deciding "Ok, ya ya, that's what I need to do" and then moving on. I mean sit down, get quiet and ask yourself 'what is it I want to do here?' Get honest first because if you're anything like me, you can bullshit yourself til the cows come home. Trust me, I have some of the best arguments with myself. I have to call myself out a lot! I recently made a decision about a relationship that I had told myself about thirty seven thousand times before, I was not going to continue with. Then of course I would get right back into it. I thought 'Jezus, when am I am going to stick to my word and stay 'no contact?" and my response was "When you get clear on what you really want". That was the aha moment. I break the promise because I don't even really know what the hell the promise is. Thinking about stuff in your head is one thing, getting clear and getting real are another. So I sat down, got quiet and said "What is my goal here?" Okay, it's to have zero contact with this person. And I asked myself..."Are you sure thats what you want because you keep saying that shit and then you do make contact! so which is it cuz I'm tired of your bullshit and I'm tired of your lack of integrity and broken promises to yourself."...(Yes I do argue with myself this way but I like it lol), Touche...and, I continued with my self tirade...'if you want to stay in contact then say so and do it and accept that you enjoy suffering, otherwise quit the crap'. So I thought about it deep and hard and realized yup, I honestly do want no contact so I can close the door and move on. Getting real is not easy but it's the only path to ourselves that aids in creating a meaningful life. It means facing our controlling and manipulative behaviours which serve only to keep us stuck, miserable and focused on externals (people,objects, addictions) that we mistakenly believe are going to save us, change us etc...and hows that workin for ya? It isn't! I got honest about why I was really maintaining contact. Why have I stayed in touch with this person? Well cuz they're my friend (bullshit)and ya know, (bullshit)we enjoy talking to each other and it's okay that they dumped me (bullshit) to find someone more suitable cuz we can stay friends(bullshit). Wow, really?? isnt that cozy...and detrimental, unhealthy and uh a great way for you to keep the fantasy alive that they will come back and ummmm what else, a great way to avoid closure, yup that too, and a fantastic way to keep you from meeting someone who will treat you with the love, commitment and adoration you deserve. Wake up! Have some self esteem and move the fuck on. Whether or not this person is nice, great, was a friend...blah blah blah, this isnt about them.
Make the goal from a place of inner truth and honor yourself, put yourself first, stopping putting anyone else's needs first especially when it compromises your integrity and values. Let go, trust and love yourself enough to put yourself in the drivers seat. People this is not a dress rehearsal.xoxox