Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Hello Pheonix

When ever we go through a period of emotional stress, a time when our inner resources need to be called upon to give us the strength or insight to work our way through something, it's so important to allow ourselves the compassion and understanding that we so readily expect others to provide for us. We often seek out a good friend and confidant to validate our decisions when, if we truly gave that to ourselves, we wouldn't depend on others to give it to us. It's easy to get caught up in wondering why we haven't moved past an issue or why we are still struggling but those 'whys' become an avoidance and stumbling block if we aren't careful to see them for what they are. We can mistakenly believe that answering those questions will help us move forward but so often they become one more tool stemming from a place of self flagellation and not a rung on the ladder of successful healing. When we focus on the question 'why', we are no longer trusting in the process.
There is no handbook or clear cut process to success. Yes, there are steps that we know we must take, attitudes to develop but unless we embrace the process without comparing ourselves to others, we can get stuck in believing that we should be doing it 'this way' or 'that way' and as a result, our healing grinds to a halt.
For so many of us we believe that we are the master director, puppeteer, and script writer for every 'character' in our life. The truth is we are only in control of ourselves and even that is debatable. Letting go and acceptance mean we release the white knuckled grip that has us believing we're in charge. As difficult as it is, and yup it is, we trust that we are being watched over, cared for and that life is for us, not against us.
Trying to control any situation will ultimately backfire because we simply cannot do it. We try, well I know Ive tried and it never works. And then I try harder and it still doesn't work.
When we look at how things haven't worked in the past, we don't need to beat ourselves and stamp the 'failure' mark on our foreheads. Nothing we go through is worth regretting if we learn from it. The trouble is so often we run around inside of our head chasing our gremlin instead of quietly sitting with ourselves and gaining insight. Stop focusing on why and release the need to figure it all out. Learn from the pain, in the sense that it can awaken us to behaviours and issues that we need to face about ourselves lovingly. We haven't failed anything, especially when our experiences bring us closer to knowing what we do want in our life and where we need stronger boundaries. One of my issues of control is getting involved with someone romantically and then trying to hard to keep their love. I start thinking if I meet their needs, go along with what they want, never ask for what I want, that they'll just be so darn happy to have little miss agreeable by their side. it's deadly insidious and its a breeding ground for resentment and anger. I know now that giving up who I am inj hopes that I can become what I think you want me to be is toxic and ridiculous. I'm not referring to healthy compromise, I'm talking about "so who do you want me to be?" bullshit. Yuk and did I say YUK!
Who we are, what we like, what we do, whatever, cannot be adjusted to fit someone elses agenda. Yet we all do it to varying degrees and like I said, I'm not talking about normal give and take, I'm talking "so who do I have to be to please you?" No,stop it. We have to have the confidence to stay authentic. It's like dating someone who is unaffectionate and you know that but you think 'well maybe they will become more affectionate when we are in a committed relationship". Yes, you can ask them if you need some affection but to hold onto a belief that they will change and become all touchy feely love love is only going to cause resentment down the road. See, we meet someone who we fall for because they fit our 'criteria' for the most part. In the places where they fall short we erroneously believe we can get them to be that way if we cajole and annoy them enough lol. We wear blinders. I for example where a lot of eye make up. I remember dating a guy who shortly into the relationship would comment about 'why did I need to wear so much make up? What? Ok that ex. is superficial but you get the point. If I wore it all the time when you first got to know me and you don't like girls who wear make up then what the fug are you doing with me? In the past tho I would have tried to not wear it or toned it down instead of giving that shit right back and saying "cuz I do and if you don't like it then go find someone who fits your image cuz it aint me. Those things may seem harmless but they aren't!  I'm also an on/off smoker, okay ya it's not wonderful but it is what it is. If I quit because my partner thinks I shouldn't smoke then WRONG. If you came into the relationship knowing I smoked then deal or scram but don't bug me about it. If I quit because I want to but usually I quit to try and please them. I have jumped through flaming hoops for some men only to realize that it does not work. Ever. No more hoops. What you see is what you get, if you don't like it then you are free to move on. I will not change for anyone anymore because I am perfectly ME.
We are who we are and I don't mean that acting like an asshole is acceptable with the attitude "well thats just the way I am" Im not saying that at all, wehave to give and take but thats not the same as trying to please someone and cease being yourself which I have been notorious for. They love me for who I am and then I become someone else thinking they will love me for. If thats not stressful (acting/pretending) then what is.
Be yourself because you are the only person like you in the whole wide world. xoxo

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