Monday, February 25, 2013

Ah fug, whatever.

Lately I have been forced to re-evaluate two important relationships in my life. My two "best friends" have been a part of my life on and off for over thirty years. There have been times we've been inseparable and times when we hardly spoke at all because of lifes little twists and turns that took us on different paths. We have always somehow managed tho to find one another again and reconnect. The three of us definitely have history and familiarity, but sometimes you have to step back and re-evaluate the dynamics and look at what youre giving/getting out of these relationships and are they nurturing or draining your life energy/force?  I realize nothing is black and white and there are always trying times as well as good times  BUT overall there has to be a positive upward motion in any relationship or else the static energy becomes stale and loathsome. Unfortunately when you have history it becomes easy to fall into a pattern of a kind of emotional flatlining. You stay because you've always stayed sort of thing and perhaps for reasons we aren't consciously aware of. Do I love these guys? Of course! Would I do whatever I could if they needed me? Without a doubt. Would I stay around even if our values, ideologies, level of integrity, and attitudes changed dramatically? Hmmm, good question and one I'm facing in a way. If you're anything like me then the harshest criticism you face is from within. Your severest judgements bubble up from inside and that can make trusting your inner voice very difficult. Your gremlin can sabotage your efforts and try and convince you that you're being a self righteous judgmental twat when in reality you are setting personal boundaries that are coming from a healthy self esteem that is alerting you to something that is no longer working for you or acceptable any longer. With both these people, different issues have triggered this response within me. Without going into detail, the one was recently arrested for illegal activity that isn't earth shattering but none the less, illegal. It isn't even the fact he got nabbed for doing what he does that bothers me, he's been doing it for over thirty five years,  it's his reaction to it. His overall critical attitude towards life is of a victim. I get that because I have struggled with changing that within myself and my attitude. But he isn't struggling to change that at all. He sees his arrest as how he has been wronged, victimized, persecuted. Not once has he looked at this experience as a possible wake up call to a way of living that is not honoring anything positive for him. He has so much going for him but it's lost mostly because he chooses to get high every day and talk the good talk but never walk it. He has yet to step back and take responsibility for his arrest by seeing that it happened as a result of him engaging in illegal activity. Nope, he's right and theyre wrong. I just, I hoped this would shake him up enough for him to see how he could spend his time becoming the person he says he wants to be, fulfilling his dreams and goals. Aint gonna happen. We had a huge fight because I wanted him to see the positive side to this experience and see it as an obvious sign of what really isn't working for him,  hit the proverbial rock bottom and rise from the ashes. In order for me to stay engaged in any conversation, I have to nod and agree....."yes, poor you, how unfair this whole experience has been..." When I tried to explain that a real friend would say "Good, you've been knocked down, now get up, give your gddmn head a shake and wake up!" he couldn't hear that. I have to be phony because unless I support his victim mentality then in his eyes I am a traitor. The only traitor in all of this is him. He has betrayed himself, his ambition, his dreams and he has abandoned achieving his life purpose and how in fuck am I supposed to support that? I work hard on facing my demons and struggles. It's no picnic but I want better and I want my life to mean something. I was created for a purpose in my opinion and damned to hell if I'm going to let my life pass me by. I'm far from perfect and I'm pretty fucking nuts sometimes but I try to look at myself and remember that no one else is my problem at the end of the day.
With my other friend, I feel so distant from her. Our issues started out for a different reason. I admit I was hurt and angry initially, but the whole experience gave me insight into our relationship and how unfulfilled I feel at times with her on many levels. I love her a lot but again I have to quiet my "self" in order to get along. It's okay that we don't share the same insights and attitudes but sometimes it feels so awfully lonely to be around someone and have such little to relate on. I feel as if we have grown apart so much. I don't want to go out and get drunk all the time. I rarely drink at all anymore simply because I don't really enjoy it. Yes a few at a party but not shit faced drunk, I just find it a waste of time. Maybe we simply have grown apart. Maybe in time we will reconnect, but right now it's just not working. I don't expect someone to mirror me in order for us to get along. I just want to be able to have a meaningful discussion, talk about shit that matters and right now what matters to her and what matters to me are not from the same page, not even the same book. I guess I'm transitioning again. I say that because changes like this always happen and I don't even notice them until it's kind of passed. I don't care if I sound judgmental because that is not where I'm coming from. Thats why I mentioned the 'gremlin'. I don't think they are wrong and I'm right, I just think our differences are detrimental to ignore. I love them both and they love me but what does that mean ya know. In the issue with her, she has basically discarded me for her new boyfriend and altho we have talked about it and Ive told her how much it hurts me, she keeps doing it. We used to talk almost everyday,text, email...something. If I don't call her then I don't hear from her. period. I get that her being in a relationship is going to take up more of her time which means less time for our friendship but this isn't less this is nada, zero, zilch. She has done this with every guy and I have tried to talk, told her how it hurts me and she apologises but then nothing changes.Bottom line, that  is not the way you treat someone that you 'love'. Talk is fucking cheap and actions really do speak louder than words.
  I had a friend years ago and her dad loved her, always told her that he loved her, he also liked to fuck her, so really, what does "I love you" mean when the actions of a person are anything but loving.

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