As I get older I notice how certain personality traits become more ingrained while others fade away. I have less tolerance for mindless small talk and crave stimulation for the mind as opposed to only feeding and nurturing my physical self. Not to say I don't appreciate a hot looking guy...(lol, that sounds juvenile) but it's a fleeting attraction unless intelligence is present.(Intelligence has been defined in many different ways including, but not limited to, abstract thought, understanding, self-awareness, communication, reasoning, learning, having emotional knowledge, retaining, planning, and problem solving. I'm definitely sapiosexual.
My most successful relationships have been with men who I could have in-depth spiritual and meaningful conversations with. I have seen a pattern though where I choose men who are not too bright (some, not all) but I'm starting to see why I've done that. It gave me a sense of the upper hand, power that I mistakenly believed I needed to possess in order to stay one step ahead....one foot always out the emotional door. That apparent "need" was based on fear and self protection. When I reflect on my choices and what has motivated me, I see where and why my relationships have failed. I mean, coming to know oneself requires an honesty that melts away the fantasy image that society would implore us to hang onto. The sometimes unflattering truth that's exposed in brutal self observation needs to be embraced with compassion and not viewed with shame as a character defect. We all possess a shadow side, and through recognition of this self comes the ability to wholly embrace who we are, warts and all. To be open to reflective consciousness empowers us to shine the light of truth onto and into our dark recesses of self loathing and view those aspects of our being as rungs on a ladder to more truth and self acceptance. We aren't alone in these truths, we just believe we are because we are taught to hide and ignore the existence of our shadow self, as if admitting it is a part of us would render us powerless and ostracized by society. I suppose in some cases and with some people it would, well fucking cheers to that. I don't want phony people in my life. We can, we must own our total self. When we can accept ourselves fully, then we can accept everyone else without expecting them to be perfect and flawless. Perfect does not exist. Yet look around, on a superficial level it's what so many of us strive for everyday. We attempt to compensate physically for what we feel is lacking inside. What wasted energy. We are perfect, but not as in flawless and unblemished, but simply perfect as in whole and possessing the spirit that created us. That inner essence that defies conditioned logical understanding. Life is not a logical journey. Living requires not knowing and moving forward regardless, moving forward in the peace and power of our divine selves.