Friday, January 11, 2013

I know u r but what am i.

Had a fresh veggie drink yesterday with beet in it, which of course turned my damn pee all red. I had a flash  of "crap, now I'm dying, that sucks" and then I realized it was just the damn beet juice.
I have to put a picture on here of my new (nameless) kitten because she is so freakin ass cute I could scream. Thats her with one of my dogs. Cutie pies. Anywaysssssssssssssssssssssssssss. My other cat is so not amused lol. Cranky bum.
I have a lot to write about but don't really know where to start. How about I start here. I was walking home from work ruminating about something, growing pissier by the second, when my inner voice said "Is this what you want to think about?? Is this how you want to spend your mental energy, wasting it on old shit??" and i realized that making changes takes work. Changing behavior patterns requires awareness and purpose. Not allowing the ego and saboteur to grab the reins is crucial. It isn't easy but so what. I thought...(ya I think a lot on my way home) my problem is my belief that life isn't supposed to be difficult. That I shouldn't experience pain, sadness or grief...EVER. Because that belief is unconscious, one gets the bonus of added insult to injury. Where the hell did I ever learn that life should never involve suffering? I'm not even talking basic Buddhism 101 either.
I also really had an "aha" moment with something I've been struggling on and off with for quite a while. I was doing the usual "C'mon God, can't u just take this away, just erase this whole shit ass experience and pain from my memory?" and my guidance said "When you get the lesson, it will be done". Yikes. No mess no fuss. I realized that I haven't really been open to getting the lesson. I've been either trying too hard to figure it out intellectually or I've been avoiding the whole damn thing. Lessons are not meant to be mentally figured out, dated, stamped and compartmentalized. The meaning of the lesson(s), in my opinion, are an unfolding and opening that happens as a result of quiet introspection beyond logic. Connection to inner self. It is not about figuring it out, it's about letting the truth (light) seep in to those unknown dark places that we've kept hidden in our shame and grief. I have not been willing to honestly sit with myself and get real. So I prayed for the willingness, the openness to learn what I need to learn from this whole painful experience of the past couple years. Until I get it, I will suffer. As long as I still harbor feelings of betrayal, anger, victimization, blame and more blame, I will suffer. Those feelings are normal but after a certain amount of time, they are nothing more then blocks of poison that keep me from learning the lesson. I can justify it til the cows come home and blow up and die, but what will that do to me? How will I grow from staying in that shitty place? I won't grow and then I can join the ranks of the millions of angry, judgmental finger pointing people out there. Uh, no thanks. I've done that long enough. People get stuck in their resentments because it's easier to do that then take responsibility, face and learn the lesson and move forward. Actually it isn't easier, but our fear tells us it is. I am where I am in my life. I can't compare my life with anyones. Someone from work asked me today what I was reading and she looked at my book 'Sacred Contracts' by Caroline Myss and rolled her eyes. i didn't feel mad or shamed, I thought...we arent all called in the same direction at the same time, and all journeys ultimately lead to the same light so let it be. Oh dear God I'm a hippie lol. Nooooooooooooooooooo Just sayin. xoxoxo

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