I had such a melt down last night after work. I felt so angry, frustrated and completely abandoned by life, God and everything. I've been reading "Sacred Contracts" by Caroline Myss. I've listened to many of her lectures and I think she is a gifted insightful woman, and I love her no nonsense tell it like it is approach.
Now, I have always felt drawn to searching for meaning in my life. It's probably why I spent a great deal of my younger years in a drunken state of disrepair. I wanted to stay in a fog because the questions that plagued my psyche seemed unanswerable and better left alone. But the desire for answers never disappeared. The urge to discover what my purpose was....the proverbial 'why was I born' question was always there inside, begging to be acknowledged no matter how hard I tried to ignore it.
I think it's fair to say that everyone has their journey. The journey has its peaks and valleys, times of rest and times of deep inner challenge. For me, these past couple of years have been very significant in my 'coming into my own'. I have struggled more than ever with my demons, fears and facing the dark night of my soul. Never before have I had to struggle quite so intensely. I have looked, prayed, meditated, cried, begged, prayed some more and last night it all came to a head. As I walked home, I raged inside at God. I felt so lonely, insignificant and unloved. I felt the familiar pain of rejection that I still haven't gotten over from my last relationship. "What the fuck do you want from me God?" "Why won't you answer my prayers or make things work out for me??" "Why would you allow me to love someone so deeply and become so happy with that person only to have them decide to move on without me?""Do you enjoy watching me suffer, are you a masochist?" "Are you even there God, do you a give a shit about me at all?" I felt such utter resignation. I wanted answers as to why these past couple years have been so difficult, so gut wrenching. And it isn't just the ex, it was everything. How hard I have tried to find my way, to become the person I want to be that is forgiving, peaceful, loving and non judgmental. How I have faced some darker parts of my soul in hopes that I would be transformed. I cried as I walked and finally said to God..."Fine, you know what, fuck you, I give up, I'm done trying because nothing makes a bit of difference."
I stayed in my tantrum for about an hour. By the time I got home I was exhausted. In the quiet of my room I felt a voice within say "I'm glad that you've stopped trying, maybe now you will let go and listen to my voice when I speak to your soul." I started to cry again..(ya ya, I cry sometimes ) and I had this non verbal dialogue where I came to understand that listening to God, trusting, faith, are all the same things. They are following the voice or whatever u want to call it that speaks from within. It isn't about logic or understanding because understanding is a mental process. Thats where I am at right now. I don't expect many people to 'get' what I'm going through. I usually get comments like-'you think too much, or, you're way too deep' lol. No, I'm me. Just because I'm not the way you are does not mean I am "too" anything. Maybe you is a shallow superficial mofo. (Ok ok, I didn't say I was perfect lol) So many times I have said things like "I want to know my purpose" and been met with comments like "What?, why, there is no reason why we are alive etc" and that is when I realize that not everyone walks the same path at the same time. Regardless, I don't want to give up and I can't help but believe that these questions exist because they do have answers. I'm not trying anymore, at least in the sense of figuring it out. I'm going to work at letting go, trusting and being open to hearing the voice within.