Sunday, December 30, 2012

Dappy Dew Dear Doodoos

Hey HAPPY NEW YEAR bobby soxers....
Christmas was great but sooooo stressful getting everything organized. I usually do dinner at my place which is a huge job prep wise but very satisfying. I have an open door policy because some people have no family or whatever and I think everyone should be able to partake in the cheer of the season. I had a blast.
Life has been crazy busy lately but good as hell.I did start smoking a few weeks back but I'll quit again in a bit, it just helps me with my stress. Not all stress is bad, just stressy lol. Ugh I hate the snow but what can u do.
I've become addicted to apple cider vinegar (unpasteurized/organic) mixed with water. I drink it all the time, used to hate the taste now I can't get enough. So good for you, balances out the body making it more alkaline and gives you energy too.
Working on a couple of drawings, one for my pops which is coming along nicely. I asked him to give me an idea of a person to draw for him, he says.."How bout a nice drawing of Monument Valley" lol. I said 'fahjah, crazy ole fahjah, people, a person, I don't do landscapes" so he responds by sending me a pic of their new rescue dog Laila. I shake my pretty little head. "Dad!, a person, a human!!, I don't draw animals...." but I thought HMMMMM, perhaps... So I started it and it is coming along nicely. I didn't think I could do a dog but I surprised myself. I've said it before but I ought to take some basic lessons for perspective and proportion which are my trouble areas. I am extremely critical of my own work and I see all the parts that I am not happy with but it isn't finished and it is coming along nicely.
Anyhow, no complaints. Loving my time alone. I used to hate being alone, now I wonder if I'll ever be able to be in a relationship again because I don't have much time for myself and when I do, I prefer to be on my own.
So thats it for now. I'm happy, feeling good, doing what I have to, need to and thankful for the life I have.
Wishing everyone a wonderful new year and happiness, love, peace, purpose and more love love love!! xo

The most motivating 8 min of your life!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

yay for reality lol.

I had the bestest ever session with my BK facilitator. Seriously amazing realizations. Reality. I thought I had difficulty accepting reality but I realize that it wasn't truly reality that I was seeing, it was a fearful projection. Regardless I am elated for this awareness. Anywayssssssss,
What I really wanted to share is even better lol.
Drawing, painting....those are my passions. Everyone has their passion, some are thru sports, adventure, whatever it is matters not. What matters is finding it, being yourself and embracing that part of you. When I am immersed in my creative work, I am happier than any other time. Sometimes I try and draw or create and it doesn't work. I've discovered that when I am emotionally charged, passion fueled ...whatever u want to call it, then my work is great. If I try and force it, it won't work. Any successful work i have done has had a reason behind it, something meaningful in some way. I had been working on and off with these largish gallery type canvas and feeling so stifled. What I've come to see is that I have been attempting to paint  the same way I draw and that was the main problem. It doesn't work for me. I just bought a ton of acrylics and I'm in heaven. The moment I let go of trying to paint and instead let it flow, well, it was amazing. I love my new style, I love the freedom I feel. I love painting how I want, not how I " should". I have an unfinished canvas that had this half face I had been struggling with, now I just painted almost pop art style and I am feeling good about it so far. I had been stuck for lost a year. Man I feel so good. Xo

Now I am showing a couple of pics that are unfinished, don't judge!!!! or i keel u... im just showing to illustrate my point. heheheheh. i iz happy.

Friday, December 7, 2012

What goes on inside my head any given millisecond lol.

I'm hormonal. Stupid hormones. Christmas is closing in. Fuck. I'm still sad over fuckface. Who am I really? When will I heal? Do I have victim mentality? What's the underlying issue of my issues? Why does it have to be cold out? Finding the 'why's' really doesn't matter in my experience.Why is reality so hard to accept sometimes? Why do I try and control shit when I know it doesn't work? Why do my feelings change so drastically day to day? Why aren't I living my dream? How do I really forgive? Why do I blame anyone else when no one is ever really to blame. Fuck. Should I buy another kitten? God I love red pepper jelly with cream cheese? Am I secretly a lesbian or have I just been hurt so much that I give up with men? Have I given up with men? Nah. I hate and love men. Mmmmm popcorn chicken, so bad yet so good. Why is cheese so fucking expensive nowadays. What if I never meet anyone who does it for me like he did. Fuck, why do I even think like that, it's pointless. I'm amazing and I will meet someone who sees and values that...that I feel that way about too....hopefully. Agh. This tea smells like cigarette butts. I crave cigarettes still. I wish life was longer. I wish life were shorter. I could die today.Why did God create us so different or did it...he...she....faht. Who cares. I gotta get a life. Fuck him, fuck all of them. Why should I care if someone rejects me, that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me, it's about their choices. I reject guys all the time, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with them, just not my type. I love shopping. I love boots. I need to workout. Will I ever be good enough in my own eyes? Nah, prolly not. I love who I am but not all of me, thats sad. Oh well, journey not a destination. I'm so moving far away as soon as I can.

The Pretenders - 2000 miles

its your birfday bobby soxer.

I didn't even write about my birthday party. It was so  amazing. I felt blown away by the love and friendship. Everyone said what a great party is was because it actually was. My one friend brought her new boyfriend and my friends friend brought her new boyfriend and they were both super creepy weirdobutt assclowns but besides them two zoids, everyone else rocked. Some friends from work came by and another friend I haven't known for a long time...and I got a bottle of Kracken rum which I had exactly one drink from...ONE  lol,The horror of it all! Later I watched my best friend and my son polish off the last few ounces and bond in an alcoholic haze. Strange. Very weird being around him (my son) like that. I asked him "Doesn't seeing me just sober you the hell up?"...apparently not. I wouldn't party with my son on a regular basis.... once every fifty yrs is fine, just too weird for me.
It's funny...well kinda sad/ funny how when someone likes you but you don't feel that way about them, you can be completely void of any emotions and sensitivity towards their feelings for you.. This one 'friend' said as he was leaving "You know, I really want to spend more time with you and see you more" so I lovingly leaned into him and stared him straight but warmly in the eye and said "Nah, you don't, but we can go to Value Village sometime and shop...see ya" Lol, I wasn't trying to mean, just honest. I so do not want to get involved with anyone. I have male friends at work, male friends in my hood, male friends that are exes and friends is the operative word. Fuck, I am in no shape to get involved with anyone, besides no one turns my crank. What if I never meet anyone that I'm crazy about???What if???That scares the bejeezus out of me. What if I never love again. That would suck. I probably will, I guess. I better. What if I never recover from this heartbreak? What is my problem? Ugh. I hope eventually I meet someone who loves me for real like some unnamed fuckwads said they did but didn't. Love!! real amazing stick with it love and great laughs, friendship, camaraderie, amazing sex and all the stuff that make ya go hmmmmm!! I want to meet someone that I am crazy about and vise versa. Those what ifs are just bullshit. It will happen, it has to. heheheh. wuvs...wuvs and wuvvies. and bunnies and doodoos

Saturday, December 1, 2012

P!nk - Try


Yesterday was my birffffdaaayyyy. I had a good one 'cept I was sick in bed lol. Seriously tho I got flowers sent to me and visits and someone brought Sushi over and more flowers....it's like I'm dying lol. Tonite is my party, I feel a lot better so I'm glad but I have lost my voice which could be a good thang lolol.
Just a quick post and FYI....if you feel like you are starting to get sick, here is my recommendation. Start with the Neti pot every few hours. Do the usual saline rinse but I also add a few drops of hydrogen peroxide. Burns like you're getting your brain cavity screwed by a flaming penis but it helps. All through the day sip on apple cider vinegar (raw unfiltered) mixed with raw/unpasteurized honey mixed with water. I do about 2 tbsp of each in 12 ounces water. I switch it up with oil of oregano and echinacea with redoxan (sp) which is Vitamin C you add to water. This elixir helps huge. and of course sleep like you've been beaten with a stick.
And since this landmark bday has passed I have made some personal resolutions. One is more weight lifting, toning up... I work out but I am not cut at all and I want to get back to lifting and definition etc. I liked how I looked. Me..vain...noooooo. Actually I'm not, I just like myself....most of the time. Ahhhh we should all go about our days screaming.."I am the one and only meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I am greatttttt" lol xoxo