Sunday, October 28, 2012

How to forgive and love yourself. very good. I need this shit.

Joan Armatrading - Down To Zero. I love this woman.

oh hai...we meet again.....

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be....whole. I guess that's the opposite of fragmented which is how I feel at times. I see my evolution as ocean waves....no, a roller coaster ride, ummmm no bungee jumping with dental floss....I don't fucking know. I go through periods where I feel so good, amazingly content, happy full of self appreciation and love and I'm truly truly happy with myself one hundred percent. Then something happens......and I'm facing that "pick two" triangle. You know the one...each of the three corners has an option but you can only pick two.

This is the thing that trips me up. Guess I better figure it out since its pretty much a part of life. I just....I think I've really worked through certain things and then it ass smacks me square on, out of the fricking blue. So often I just have this stunned ass look on my face while my heart is turning to mulch and I think "are you fucking kidding me??? I'm here again"
How can my confidence waver so easily. When I feel good, I am convinced that I could never feel badly about myself again...ever...eveeerrrr and then "down to zero" . Joan Armatrading obviously knew what the fug she was talking about in her song 'down to zero' but I'm not just talking about heartache and relationships with men. I'm talking day to day. Crap. Seriously if I could be a non feeling entity I would be.....maybe. I tried tho, for years and all it did was mess me up. I just wish I didn't have such volatile emotions at times. I have to keep strengthening my inner self, my core so that every damn wind of change doesn't knock me into an emotional face plant.
I use to joke about having an insecure over developed sense of confidence. I know I lack confidence about how I look for example yet the other day this man told me I was a nine out of ten and I immediately thought....nine muthafuckah, nine? Pretty funny coming from a muthafuggin two..." and that cracks me up. If I feel like I don't look good then why would I be so insulted. I find that hilarious. I'm no super model and I know that and I'm fucking fifty next month but still I like how I look...I think...lmao. Oh fug, I don't really care, when push comes to shove I couldnt care less. I'm applying for my green card now and I plan to be long fuggin gone within the next ten years. Unless I die first. Whateverrrrrrrrrrrr.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

There are some good quotes on the Internet regarding staying friends with an ex. Some are poignant and some are just sarcastic which works for me lol. I think time will tell whether or not a friendship can work because time allows the feelings to be resolved. The feelings could be anger, sadness depending on who decided what in the break up....the dumper/dumpee side of things. It's usually the dumper that wants to stay friends either because they feel guilty or they want a back up person to have around for convenience.
I have been on both sides....I'm sure we all have. It's funny because I've noticed a pattern where the one who has been dumped has completely forfeited their personal power which is obvious in statements like.."My ex dumped me but wants to be friends and blah blah blah...." SO! So they want to be friends..big fuck...What do you want? Fuck what they want, what do you want. That's the million dollar question. If you've been dumped and you still want to be in a relationship and are still in love then being friends is like sticking a hot fork soaked in acid into your eye repeatedly. Trust me on this one. I've tried, repeatedly....to remain friends with my recent ex, and it wont work. You cannot be around someone who rejected you. I mean you can, but always below the surface is that awareness that they dumped your ass, they don't want you, you aren't worthy of spending a life with....oooh isn't that all warm and fuzzy. If I sound pissed its cuz I am. I'm pissed that I keep trying to convince myself of the impossible. How can you be friends with someone who used to look at you so passionately and say 'how damn lucky they were to have you'? How can you casually be around someone who used to tell you they love you but they don't say it anymore...because they don't feel that way anymore? How can it not erode your self esteem to be around someone who used to care but doesn't find you worth it anymore? Yes, these are rhetorical questions because everyone knows you cant. Every time I think I can do it its only because somewhere in the back of my mind I'm still hoping I can make them come back. That is draining and even worse, you can be doing it and not realize that your motives suck ass like that. I know my ex can't give me the emotional connection I desire in a relationship. He can't give me the intimacy, time, commitment, and partnership that I want so I'm not even sure why I think I want him back. Maybe it's the rejection...no clue. I mean, I don't want him back in that sense because obviously we aren't meant to be together or else we would be, it's just sad to be crazy in love and then watch it go away....life is weird. It's even sadder to know someone loved you once and they made it seem like they would never leave you and nothing mattered more than you being together and then PLOP... they say uhhh not so much.......and that's over lol. Fuck. If I don't laugh I'll cry. Anyway, as much as I work on being self aware I'm still baffled at times at how I can bullshit myself on many things. It's not a bad thing, just human nature.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Over the past several months I have been working with a life coach. She is absolutely amazing!! She is empathetic, supportive, objective and non judgmental.  I love the whole idea of life coaching for that very reason. The relationship that develops (hopefully) is emotionally intimate yet objective.  I can be myself,  no holds barred.... cry, rant, bitch and whatever,  and while she honors that, she also doesn't allow me to stay stuck in my bullshit.  She encourages me in every sense of the word. It's like a great friendship yet there isn't that fear of saying or doing the wrong thing because the "professional" aspect of the relationship is always present.
I mention this because I think a fresh perspective on things can make a huge difference at times. We can get stuck in our heads, trying to solve problems by accessing  aspects of the problem itself, which of course can never lead to an answer. Its like getting stuck in the "whys" when sooooooo often the why doesn't mean shit. Figuring out why doesn't change a thing but it often helps us feel more in control of the situation. I mean ya, it can help to understand why we do some of the things we do but what I'm saying is, we have to step beyond that in order to find solutions and healing. I can know why I act like a twat or why I feel insecure in certain situations but that's not going to change anything. Taking positive forward action is whats needed...getting out of our intellect and into empowering behaviour is often what is needed to move forward, to move out of and away from the shit that plagues us.
I'm all over the place when trying to figure things out and that's mostly due to not being connected to my self and not being clear. What do I want?? How often do I bother to ask myself that and then honor my answer? Not often enough. And it's good to know what I don't want but don't confuse that with knowing what you do want. They aren't necessarily opposites.
When I take the time to ask myself what I want then I can make honest choices and see where I'm letting myself down or ignoring myself. We have to honor who we are because no one else is going to do it and besides, its our responsibility to ourselves.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

“Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives. - Louise L. Hay.

I'm having such a great day, I can't stop laffing about everything. Actually the past few weeks have been fabulous overall. I have to attribute my positive mood to saturating my brain with watching Wayne Dyer programs on Youtube, listening to Louise Hay affirmations, writing , and focusing on letting go of negative thoughts that enter my head and replacing them with positive thoughts instead. I was explaining something to someone yesterday about how as we strive to know ourselves better and ask for the guidance from Spirit, we can change the things that have tripped us up for so long. I'll share an example that I used yesterday because if we could all try and look at ourselves instead of pointing our finger of blame outwardly, we would come to know real peace. So, okay, last year I was with my ex and we were coming up to my place. My new neighbours had moved in and because of my insecurities at the time and my constant feelings of inferiority, I saw every other woman as a threat, someone who would/could take him from me. Now anyone that struggles with jealousy can understand this stuff. So when we drive up, I see her and instantly feel like shit. But, instead of going within and saying to myself.."Okay, now you know you feel insecure and this is a real hard place for you but this isn't about her or him or anyone else, it's about you not feeling good enough..." instead, what I did was start putting her down, trying to make her look bad, I got all pissy and justified etc and of course that behaviour only makes me look as insecure, petty and jealous as I'm feeling. I'm not fooling anyone, and it only perpetuates the negative feelings over and over. By believing I can outwardly control a situation to make myself feel better inside is a total farce. I see now that I have the opportunity if those feelings arise to go within and reassure myself that I have no reason to feel insecure or anything like that because I'm worthy, beautiful, smart, funny and absolutely good enough. I'm me, the one and only.  Those feelings of unworthiness need to be replaced because they simply are not true. Our true value is beyond comparison. How many times have we heard the words...'you have to love yourself first...etc' and understood that but not believed it. Well, it's time to believe it. To truly honestly get to that point where you do love yourself for everything, flaws and all. Maybe love is too general a term. Maybe it's about taking the time to look at all the amazing things about ones self. The unique qualities that make you YOU. This isn't an ego trip, its the opposite because its about valuing your core essence and real self. I have had quite a few years of doubts and pain, feelings of low self worth etc and I can honestly say that I feel so much better about myself than I ever have in my life. I've had to do a lot of work by myself and it's been a slow process but it has helped immensely. I am so much more able to see how powerless I am over certain things outside of myself and how powerful I am at changing false negative beliefs.
I wanna share one more thing that turned around something for me. I was talking to a street kid a while back, she reminded me so much of me, sitting there all punk rock, panhandling etc. We chatted a bit and I told her that the one reason I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that showed me she had worth and value and deserved to have an amzing life was because she was here, she was alive. I told her the fact that you exist means you were created for a reason and there isn't anyone else exactly like you in the whole world. We all have to see that. Remember I shared how my mom always told me that story about how I was an accident cuz her and my dad were just fooling around in the shower and he "didn't even put it all the way in.." (ok ewww parent sex but whtever lol), the point is, I used to think of that and feel like a mistake but now I see that I was so meant to be here. That God, Source, Creator, Spirit meant for me to be born, to have life, to BE!.Gad, my parents didnt even really 'do it'..(ugh still gross).and I still said .."yo look out mofos I'm coming so you better watch out "lolol. I was meant to be here and that goes for you too!
I trust that everything will work out just fine, I don't have to struggle or be afraid, I can let go and know that things are working out the best way possible.

“What you think about yourself is much more important than what others think of you.”
- Marcus Annaeus Seneca

“Find the love you seek, by first finding the love within yourself. Learn to rest in that place within you that is your true home.”
- Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

 “Something inside you emerges….an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself.”
- Eckhart Tolle

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Stuff from "Mental Floss"

The Canary Islands are actually not named for canaries, but for dogs. This is because a large population of wild dogs were found on the island (and the Latin root for dog is canaria).

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Wayne Dyer speaks of Love - Being in Balance. This is so beautiful.

Sesame Street: Herry & John John Count 20

I came into work and my friend and I were talking about the muppets. I remember this skit on Sesame Street from way the hell back when I was younger and dinosaurs roamed the earth. Anyway, it's fricken adorable so I wanted to share it.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

So easy to judge instead of look at ourselves.

I want to blog about something I read pertaining to Wayne Dyer. I think he is an absolutely wonderful speaker. His talks are uplifting, insightful and he is a wonderful teacher. He speaks clearly, simply and without pretension. (Before I write though, I wanna share a cute experience I had on my way to work. This little girl about three yrs old, sitting a few seats up from me on the streetcar. She was looking out the window making comments in that wonderful little helium voice that they have at that age. She commented on how fast we were going, about the cars and people but the best was when she pointed at the lcbo and said "oooh look, da beer store!")
Anyways, Back to Wayne. So Wayne Dyer is well known in the world of 'Law of Attraction" with more of a slant towards finding inner peace and universal truth as opposed to using the Law to acquire more material possessions. In the past five years or so he has gone through some difficult times. He's had heart issues, was diagnosed with Leukemia and his wife left him for someone else. What I found interesting was all the comments I read from various people who were so quick to discount him and his teachings  because of the shit he has gone through. OMG people, seriously?Why do people assume that living a spiritual life means you will never experience adversity? And who could ever stand in judgement of someone else's journey in life and say it should unfold differently? Talk about ego driven blather. Regardless of what he has gone through, it does not discount what he teaches or how he lives. His wife left him for someone else....well then, that was part of her journey, and part of his. Where is it written that they are supposed to be together forever? His Leukemia diagnosis doesn't give cause to discount him either. Louise Hay, another fantastic spiritual teacher also was diagnosed with cancer in the past. Can anyone honestly stand there and say without a doubt that what occurs in someone else's life was not meant to happen? Or that what we judge as a negative experience means that person must be living wrongly? Some people are able to look at their life experiences without having to judge themselves or the occurrence as good or bad, wrong or right. We may not always like where life takes us but it is never so much what happens in our lives as how we respond to it. We always have the choice to learn from our experiences or stay embittered and become weary and scarred from the battle.  When something occurs in life that causes us to feel sadness or grief, we automatically label that experience as "bad" because sadness and grief are emotions that we dislike having to experience. I've said this before and I love the analogy. Our life compares to a huge beautiful tapestry. Each thread on it's own cannot tell the whole story. Some threads may be in colors that we don't care for, but when combined the final picture is beautiful. Each thread was needed in order to complete the whole thing.