Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Loneliness is a bridge to self

It's been a while since I've posted....well, I've written a couple of things and then decided not to post them. Anyways, blah and on and on....You know how sometimes you read something, a short quote or you hear something and it grabs you. It stays with you because it resonates within, on a personal level...or not lol. I know sometimes I'll also read something that someone else has found extremely profound and not give two shits about it. Deep as piss on a plate. Ha. I did come across something regarding loneliness that I found abso tres brilliant. I mean shit, loneliness is one of those messed up emotions that can hit you anytime, anywhere. You do not have to be alone to feel lonely. As a matter of fact my worst experiences of feeling lonely have been when I'm with other people. So this article I read was by Guy Finley and he wrote that ...ahem..."We mistake this loneliness as being the echo of something missing in our physical life. It's not. It's a kind of call from the heavens, only we don't recognize it as such because most of our parts still long for people and possessions." I fucking love that.  It's like ya, it is like a call, a call away from the noise, thoughts, distractions and addictions to a silence that could be profoundly enlightening, if only we didn't attach a meaning, a separation, to the experience of loneliness. I think the struggle is not with the loneliness but with not wanting to feel it, not wanting it to be there. It's not easy to allow it to just be unless you're some fricken guru but I one hundred percent believe that in giving up the struggle comes true knowledge. I want to break past everything that I "know" because so much of what I apparently "know" is bullshit. My truths are not the truth, they are for a large part, experiences of the past being recreated, hypothesized, relived, judged, and interpreted through painfully faulty filters.  Filters I created unconsciously but none the less, created by moi. And thats great, its fucking amazing because if I created them then I can take them away, create new ones or better yet, see clearly without filters. I dont expect to be there anytime soon but one mofo day at a time. I think the truth defies description in the sense that communication so rarely needs to involve the spoken word. What is love, beauty, joy?....those things are experienced within, and thats the truth I refer to. The truth is something that speaks inside.It's that knowing that everyone of us has felt inside, those rare moments when everything seems perfectly aligned and the barely audible whisper of God echoes within, in rhythm with your own heartbeat.
I love how I start talking about one thing and end up on something else lol.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

More Tender Elf...ewww, no it's not food, it's a poem by Christopher Morley.

It's been a while, sometimes I don't post because I have nothing I feel to share, other times I have so much that I hardly know where to start. Yesterday I wanted to share some great stuff I found on skincare...not my usual venue but whatevs. I may post that later. I wanted to share about some of the work I've been doing on healing. One thing I have found as extremely helpful is Inner child work. I'm hesitant to share in a way because I know how silly it can sound, but I've also come to see that the voice that tells me that is from a shamed part of me and my ego. Inner child therapy is not a new thing for me, but it's only lately that I have taken it to a deeper level, as a result of my suffering once again from the failings of a personal love relationship. Obviously I won't go into detail about the hows and whys of how important it is to heal these wounds but I can tell you that for me, it is imperative.
As children, we crave and need love, physical touch, support and validation. When these things are lacking, we grow up with a distorted view of life but more importantly, a distorted view of ourselves. Children cannot discern that the parent that is behaving in a cruel and angry manner is obviously the one with the issues. (This is not about blame, just awareness) The child comes to believe that this omnipotent "parent" is perfect, unflawed so therefore the reason they are behaving that way must be  the childs fault. We as children come to believe that we must be the problem, we must be unlovable, bad, stupid and deeply flawed or else why would we be on the receiving end of this horrible behaviour. That feeling is so painful for the child to accept so it engages in different behaviours in order to cope. Disassociation and ultimately the loss of being connected to the true self. We think we're no good so we try and become whoever we need to be in order to gain the love and approval we so desperately crave. There are obviously different levels to this and I'm not going into much detail but I hope I'm getting across what I want to share. In my journey I specifically found three younger 'me's' that have contributed to many of my behaviour patterns that are destructive. I have a the four yr old me...(please keep an open mind) who is all about my dad and abandonment, a nine yr old who is the wounded from my moms abuse and the good old fifteen yr old. She is the protector. She's a punk, she's tough and angry as hell. She is untouchable, sarcastic, brazen, fearless (actually fearfilled) and loves to fight. She helped me during my teen yrs and I love her for that. Back then, in order to cope she was my strength.I felt nothing, needed no one, was invincible and you couldnt hurt me, (atleast that I would show) The problem is, I no longer need her help, I can handle whatever I need to handle but she is still there when I feel hurt or sad and I'm working on connecting with her in order to let her go. She taught me to close my heart and keep it closed in order to protect myself. She did it to cope and that was okay then but it isn't now. I want my heart to be open, I don't need protection and no matter what happens, I can handle it especially with an open heart. I know it sounds nuts, but I've also seen that its that part of me, the angry rebel who tells me all this stuff is airy fairy crap, hey, she's just doing her job. I tell her how much I love her because I do, she saved my life but she cannot operate as a functional adult because she's a kid. It's my job to protect her now but with love. Anyhow, back to what I was saying about internalizing this stuff.....these feelings of unworthiness and unlovability, shame, etc are so ingrained that they become extremely difficult to heal. We think  that this is who we really are. Nothing could be further from the truth. We become so closed off to our internal self, our feelings etc because its too painful but in that process we lose, ignore and forget our true essence. We smoke, overeat, use food, sex, exercise, drugs, pornography and excessive masturbation, shopping... you name it in order to keep away the painful feelings that are there. The only way to heal though is through acknowledging, grieving and thus releasing these buried emotions. They will not go away simply because we refuse to look at them. They are energy and they need to be released. They need to be acknowledged and felt and that is scary and painful and not easy to do. Our feelings are such an important part of who we are, they alert us to being mistreated or when we need to take action etc but when we are so repressed and closed off to our feelings, we either over react, don't react, stay in our intellectual heads and the result is....we mess up our lives, our relationships and feel that we cannot trust ourselves. I could write pages but there are websites out there that deal with this stuff specifically. Robert Burney has a great website, 'joy2meu.com' and John Bradshaw is excellent as well.
Also when we connect with those inner wounded children, we can give them all the things they needed and didn't get. We are now capable, because of the healing, to be the unconditionally loving parent to ourselves. I love it.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Farting hose

Ok this video may seem stupid and yes, it's 'toilet humor' which usually does not appeal to me but.....ya had to be there. There's this drain hose on my street connected to a vacant lot where a new house is being built. The hose started making these ridiculous farting noises. As we approached it, we couldn't tell where the noise was coming from. At first I thought it was my friends grandson and so did some woman who passed us. Then we realized (duh) that it was this hose on the ground. Once we started laughing, the baby starting laughing and people walked past us and looked at us like we were out of our minds. It was gdmn funny and silly,  but it's always great to laugh.