Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Ooops, uh sorry??

If you've ever sent a text to the wrong person then you'll understand what a tool I feel like right now. Fug. What's worse is, I sent the message to a guy I've been casually dating, and the text was about another guy. Lol, I know, not funny but sorta funny. I made it clear to this guy, right from the start that I'm not looking for a committed relationship and that we can just chill, hang out and do dinners and drinks etc but he wants more so that made my little mistake even more gruesome. I really ought to wear my glasses more often, especially when I text. Never mind the fact that I type the wrong words half the time and between that and auto correct, my texts appear to be written in some lost language or code. I had thought I was texting my friend and when she didn't respond, I thought 'hmmmm, weird....why didn't she answer??' I checked our 'thread' and noticed my text wasn't even there and ...derp...that's when I saw that I had sent it to him. Now he isn't talking to me lolol. Seriously, that's fine cause it shows whatta sucky douche he can be. Jeez, it's not like I did it on purpose. Another guy I'm sort of seeing doesn't even know how to text so that could be a good thing lol. Fug, life is a comedy of errors at times.
Texts, email, fb, all that shit has changed communication styles in such a crazy ass way. So much can be lost or misinterpreted in translation. There is this whole ability to portray yourself in a less than authentic way as well. People say things over text etc that they may not necessarily say face to face and vise versa.  Faux courage.
Oh well, life goes trampling on.
Otherwise life is good...not bad. I still miss derp head and I think I must be completely retarded, what is my problem?? Don't answer that lol. I just can't believe it's over, really really over. He doesn't wuvs me, I don't get it lol. I never really thought we'd be done, always thought somehow we would work it out....I know, don't say it....denial, ahhhh yes, sweet denial. Don't mind me, I'm in a goofy mood. Guess I better get my ass in gear. Love T. xoxox

Saturday, August 25, 2012

lovelovelovelove, and would you like some love with that??

I have to say that it isn't easy or comfortable to open up your heart and let out the mushy stuff that comes up, why do you think I'm so sarcastic?? Sometimes I feel silly or ashamed for feeling the way I do but first of all, no one who reads these posts knows me. None of my friends know I have this blog (as I think I mentioned before) and the only person who does know is my ex and trust me, he isn't reading it.
I am healing from the pain, although at times like these when I miss him so incredibly much, it can be hard to believe but I am getting through this hurt........just slowly lol.
What I've learned is that when I feel full of blame and anger then I know it's just another way I'm avoiding my feelings. See, if I focus on him by way of anger and blame then I'm not focused on what I need to look at and that's me. If I feel angry, rejected, replaced, unloved, pushed aside and unlovable then it isn't about blaming him for those feelings. I felt that way before he ever came along and it's that the end of our friendship and relationship has triggered those emotions and brought them to the surface. Those are my issues. I'm not saying that my sadness isn't real because it is, and it's legit because I wouldn't be human if I didn't feel the loss of someone that I love. It's just so important to not stay stuck in the old feelings or believe that he has caused them. I feel rejected and unloved because those are things I've always struggled with. A loss can certainly, as I said, trigger those emotions but it's not the root cause. My ex didn't cause me to feel unloved, rejected or unlovable so he can't possibly heal them either. That is my job. See, when we fall in love, all those negative emotions are blindsided. The chemical and physical reaction to falling in love allows us to forget that stuff. So when we lose that person, the shitty old feelings surface and we think ..."I have to have him/her back because then my crappy feelings will heal and all this pain will stop, they have that power etc..." but they don't. Besides it's only a matter of time before those feelings surface and cause problems in the relationship. Because I struggle with liking my appearance and then I meet someone and fall in love and they tell me I'm beautiful etc, it temporarily alleviates the issue.....but ya, temporarily. Then the other person can't understand why u feel ugly around them when they're always telling you how hot you are. Am I getting through here?? I hope so. We bring our good and our bad to a relationship, but sometimes we bring our wounded hearts and basically say..."Ok, here it is, now fix it with all that love you're giving me" Pretty tall order mofo's. But the only one who can heal us is ourselves by , in my beliefs, opening our heart and soul to Spirit, Divine Love, our Creator. Hopefully you can find a partner who understands and loves you enough to let you show your wounds and doesn't get caught up in being pissed at you for being fugged up. We all have baggage that we bring to the table. A good relationship will provide a safe loving place for you to be who u are, warts and all and to not feel ashamed for your crap nor will they feel  responsible for it BUT you have to work on yourself , no dumping/blaming it on your partner, and that takes serious communication-the cornerstone to any awesome relationship.
You know I work at this understanding and healing because my mom is still so bitter and resentful over so many things. I will not be like that. Yes, I get angry and resentful but I refuse to stay in that because I see what it does to my mom and I don't want a life full of blame and victim mentality. 
I want to heal and continue to open my heart to love. And if your love is unrequited, have compassion for yourself because to love is never anything to feel bad about. It isn't weak, it takes courage and strength despite what your wounded heart will try and tell you in trying to protect itself. 
So hey whole world...lmao, okay the whole world is not reading this but hey, whoever, I love him and I miss him and I know it's over, I know we will never be together but so what. The heart wants what the heart wants. I'd rather love than hate. xox

All I Have To Do Is Dream - Everly Brothers. ya im a retarded mushball

My brother killed himself twenty one yrs ago...(this isn't a morose post so fear not lol). He was buried up in Owen Sound with my dads parents. His name was added to the stone (duh) but my darling mother wanted to have another stone made for him. She has long standing resentment towards my dad because she refuses to quit blaming him and look at her own pain and hurt inside and heal that shit...which is a must. Anyways, finally she got this big ass stone made for him, her and me and my sis. How quaint. I just love seeing my name on there...ugh. Funny that she assumes I want my dead ole ass to be rotting beside hers for eternity.  All I mean is maybe I want to be buried with my kids, who knows. To be honest, just toss me under an apple tree in a beautiful orchard somewhere and whenever someone eats an apple from that tree, they'll be munching on me. lol, ahhh the circle of life.
Okay, back to what I was saying...so,  now my bro has two stones, and I just discovered that my dad and his wife got a new plaque made for him to rest over his ashes. The guy has three....markers, whatever you call them. Three. Really? Is that necessary?? Maybe I'll get twelve and have my grave stone like a clock face. My name for every number and me making some goofy face.
My son had the best idea. He said if he dies in some horribly comedic way like being crushed by a falling anvil or piano or falling down a flight of stairs, he hopes the whole thing is video taped, that way they can play the video on a loop just on top of his stone and have the Benny Hill theme song playing with it. Gad my kids are great and wonderfully imaginative, strange, awesome.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Ah, the slow decline of summer...yuck. It's a gorgeous day, sunny and warm and I am sooo going to miss being able to sit out here on my back porch chilling, writing and reading. Although I won't miss my neighbours wonderful little boy that enjoys screaming most morning as if he were undergoing unanaesthetized dental surgery. The little darling. 
I was sitting outside of work last night having my break and a little pigeon was walking around doing his little pigeon stuff. Now I love pigeons. Most people can't stand them, they call them flying rats and such but I think they're cute as hell. They all look like they're wearing little red boots...how cute is that??!! So I'm watching him walk around and I thought..."awww, I love penguins......lmao. Wtf. lol. I burst out laughing which is always a wonderful thing to do when you're sitting by yourself...Then I dreamt last nite that it was winter time and all the squirrels had little red mittens, scarves and coats on. Jeez, am I losing it...wait...maybe I've lost it lolol. No matter, as long as I'm having fun in the process.
Anyways, I cannot believe how quickly the summer has passed. And to be honest, I really have nothing to write lol. So when all else fails what can one do??....post pictures of my kittyboo Abby. Okay just one. xo

okay, thats not her-------------> but the one below is.heheheh.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Books, booooookkksssss

You can always find these lists on the internet-"100 books you have to read before you die", or "500 best songs as voted by buttfug whoever"and blah blah blah. These lists are great for ideas for songs on your iPod or looking to find an amazing book.
Everybody at work is going on about this stupid "Fifty Shades of Grey" book. I'm aware of what its about because...well...people keep fricken telling me. "Have you read it?".....I can't tell you how many people have asked me that in the past month. Same answer I give to everyone..."I wanna live it, not read about it" I mean shit, there are so many amazing books out there but I just can't see that as being one of them. I'm reading "Breakfast of Champions" by Kurt Vonnegut. It's hilarious, weird, cynical and totally entertaining.  Theres this part where the character in the story had written a book titled "Lingo-Three which was about life on a dying planet (named Lingo-Three) whose inhabitants resembled cars. Tiny space travelers from the planet Zeltoldimar visit, and the spokesperson of the Zeltoldimarians is named Kago. At one point Kago is in a bar in Detroit....here is the paragraph..."Little Kago himself died long before the planet did. He was attempting to
lecture on the evils of the automobile in a bar in Detroit. But he was so tiny that nobody paid any attention to him. He lay down to rest for a moment, and a drunk automobile worker mistook him for a kitchenmatch. He killed Kago by trying to strike him repeatedly on the underside of the bar.
I think thats brilliant. I've tried to read certain books that are considered 'classics' and not been able to get into them. Not everyone is going to enjoy the same stuff. Anyways, all I'm saying is different strokes and if everyone were all the same then life would be a big ole bore party.
I would recommend "Huckleberry Finn", "A Prayer for Owen Meany", "Charlottes Web"(c'mon now, it's great), "No Country for Old Men", "A Long Way Gone", "Razors Edge", "Angela's Ashes", "Catcher in the Rye"-anything written by JD Salinger, anything by Margaret Laurence, anything by John Irving, anything by John Steinbeck, ....the list is fricken endless. Just read man, it's great. xo

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Today is the anniversary of Elvis Presley's death. He was pronounced dead at three thirty pm at the Memphis Baptist Hospital....or like my kids would say when they were young...hostipull. Anyways...derp. So I wasn't aware that today was the anniversary until I heard it mentioned on the radio earlier today. Whats cool is I had the most amazing dream about him last night, how synchronistically (not a real word hehehe) fabulous is that. In my dream I was watching him outside this store I was standing in. He was young, about fifteen and he was practicing dance moves. He looked so gorgeous. I went out and next we were just talking and stuff and I explained to him that I was from the future and that he would become one of the most influential people in the history of music. He didn't believe me so I started showing him all this paraphernalia I had with his picture on it. (Thats gddmn funny). We were on my bed and I pulled back the sheets and showed him my Elvis sheets and pillow case. Lmfao, I do not actually have Elvis sheets...So, then I showed him pictures of himself and said "See , thats you when you're older!!" Then the next thing I remember is we were smooching. Weird that I would dream about him on the anniversary of his death.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

When I'm not freaking out over the need to let go of crap, then I'm either unconscious, sleeping or on about something else lol. I want to have a good life, what can I say. Maybe it's easier for some people keeping  all their demons at bay, for moi...not so much. So I work at it because I want to be happy, at peace and free from the things that cause me to suffer. As much as I may try to deny it, I do it to myself. I cause my own grief largely due to my reaction to experiences I go through. It isn't so much the experiences themselves, it's the meaning I attach to them. I feel so justified at times, justified in my anger, resentment, you name it. But always there is that little voice, the nagging beautiful truthful voice that won't let me get away with my bullshit for long.  I had written about my ex husband being diagnosed with Leukemia. I made some comments about how this may be a good way for him to stop focusing so much on superficial junk. What I wrote kept coming to mind days after. Thats usually a pretty good indicator that I've behaved in a way that doesn't truly sit well with my inner beliefs and convictions. I thought about it, tried to ignore it and then realized that I was still harboring anger toward him regarding something that happened a few months back. When I decided to cut the crap and forgive him because I believe sincerely in the power of forgiveness, I was then able to reach out to him and offer my friendship, support, whatever he needs. Who am I to judge whether or not he needs to focus less on 'superficial' stuff. What am I , fuggin Mother Teresa. Sheesh. Who am I to judge anyone and decide what they need. I don't say that with self recrimination, I'm just saying that I'm responsible for me...period.
So often my behaviour and emotions seem erratic and volatile, well, shit they are BUT thats usually because I am not coming from a place inside that honors my values and truths. I'm trying to shit myself and everyone else. I like the nagging voice that tells me when I'm being a nasty cow, bitch, moronic twat, whatever, because it offers me the choice to do something about it. xoxo

Thursday, August 9, 2012

I read an article about the types of regrets people have when they are knowingly close to death.  Logically there were some common themes in what regrets people had. I believe that there are really only two emotions-fear and love- which are typically behind the decisions and behaviors most of us thoughtfully engage in. Unfortunately because the ego comes in to play, it makes it difficult to stay in a place of love and appreciation with any lasting authenticity. Why do we feel foolish for loving sometimes? Why do we see it as a weakness, something to be eradicated? Why do we insist that it's better to not need anyone? That is obviously our fear dictating but even knowing that doesn't make it feel any less powerful.
I will attach a copy of the article but I just wanted to say that it can be an ongoing struggle to validate and voice the truth that lives inside. Everything begins within and when we are shattered inside, it becomes difficult to honor who we really are. I'm reading a book by Susan Anderson titled "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing." When our early experiences have taught us that essentially who we are is not okay, it permeates through out our lives. Most of us were abandoned in one way or another, physically by a parent or care giver, emotionally, yet any experience where our self expression is negated is a form of abandonment. What happens is eventually, we are the ones who abandon ourselves. We come to falsely believe that we aren't enough, that we don't deserve any good stuff and we perpetuate those beliefs through negative self talk and thinking.  Self love is the beginning. To value and really appreciate ourselves for the unique, talented wonderful individuals we are is a crucial first step.  If we don't love within first, we cannot love anyone else. With that comes courage, peace and the freedom to be ourselves, our amazing imperfect beautiful selves.
I was thinking the other day that it isn't weak to be vulnerable, it isn't weak to feel sad and hurt even though I was taught that at an early age. How can letting your feeling be voiced to yourself, be wrong? I think weakness is denying how you feel, pretending and being phony.  I was thinking about someone and I thought.."You know T, you still love him, you love him...it's OK!!  Just accept it and stop trying to squash it away." The whole world doesn't have to know, no one has to know but have the courage to honor your own heart. Be who you are. Like they say...be yourself cuz everyone else is taken. xoxo
The article is below..................................

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. 

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard. 

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. 

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle. 

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. 

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win. 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. 

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships. 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Bruce Springsteen-Badlands

Badlands...."For the ones who had a notion, a notion deep inside That it aint no sin to be glad you're alive. I wanna find one face that aint looking through me I wanna find one place, I wanna spit in the face of these Badlands"

The movie Badlands and the song by the same name are based on the story of Charles Starkweather and his girlfriend Caril Fugate. Starkweather rampaged Wyoming and Nebraska in 1958 killing eleven people. He was bullied and teased in school for having a speech impediment, birth defect that affected the shape of his legs and he had severe myopia. That info really has squat to do with my post lol but I thought I'd mention it to reference the song by Bruce Springsteen. I'm not a huge Springsteen fan but some of his songs just nail it.  Some people focus on the melody or a particular instrument (like the sax in 'Can't Help Falling in Love' by UB40.....amazzzzing).  Music is a great catalyst for accessing buried emotions and tapping into and expressing feelings that are otherwise repressed and buried. I love that about music. It can lift you, help u feel sexy and alive and aid in helping you to not feel so alone with your emotions. There isn't a single thing that I've felt that hasn't been experienced by every other mofo out there.  Adele has two particular songs that capture both sides of how we feel after a break up. "Rolling in the Deep" was her angry reaction to what had happened and expressed how empowered and flippant she felt toward her ex. The proverbial pendulum swung the other way and she wrote "Someone Like You" which was her expression of the loss and grief that happens after a split and after some of the initial shock and fury has subsided. People love her music because we can all identify with the range of confusing emotions that we struggle with while wading through the mire of pain and rejection of a break up. With Springsteen and the song Badlands, he is singing about the frustration of having to deal with societal expectations and  the struggles we encounter in life when we're told that who we are and what we are simply doesn't cut it. Don't get me wrong, Starkweather obviously had psychological issues that came into play because many people get teased, picked on etc and they don't go on a killing spree as a result.  "Badlands" though is an amazing song and I'm thankful that music exists and can voice the feelings that are often so difficult to express.

Lights out tonight, trouble in the heartland.
Got a head-on collision, smashin in my guts man.
Im caught in a crossfire that I don't understand.
But there's one thing I know for sure girl:
I don't give a damn for the same old played out scenes
I don't give a damn for just the in-betweens.
Honey I want the heart, I want the soul, I want control right now.
You better listen to me baby:
Talk about a dream; try to make it real.
You wake up in the night with a fear so real.
You spend your life waiting for a moment that just don't come.
Well don't waste your time waiting

Badlands you gotta live it every day
Let the broken hearts stand
As the price youve gotta pay
Well keep pushin till it's understood
And these badlands start treating us good

Workin in the field till you get your back burned
Workin `neath the wheels till you get your facts learned.
Baby I got my facts learned real good right now.
You better get it straight darling:
Poor men wanna be rich, rich men wanna be kings,
And a king aint satisfied till he rules everything.
I wanna go out tonight, I wanna find out what I got.
Now I believe in the love that you gave me.
I believe in the faith that could save me.
I believe in the hope and I pray that some day it
Will raise me above these


For the ones who had a notion, a notion deep inside
That it aint no sin to be glad you're alive.
I wanna find one face that aint looking through me
I wanna find one place, I wanna spit in the face of these

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Someone I know was recently diagnosed with a form of Leukemia that is treatable but incurable at this point. Ten years ago this particular cancer was only treatable through bone marrow transplant and now there is a drug "Gleevec" which can reduce the progression of the disease. It's funny how your life can change in an instant. This particular person is a decent guy but he tends to lack empathy toward others and is quite concerned with material possessions as a means to validate himself. I know I sound like a judgmental bitch saying that, but I'm simply expressing my opinion and being honest from what I've experienced with him. Believe me, I wouldn't wish a cancer diagnoses on anyone. I guess I'm just wondering why things happen the way they do. Sometimes it seems like things are meant to be a certain way and other times one feels as if they've been randomly struck by some chaotic wheel of chance. I think sometimes how I would deal with a diagnosis like that. Any cancer or life threatening diagnosis would be a tough pill to swallow and yet people have to swallow it down everyday. I know I would feel as if I were being punished and I would be so quick to blame God. Life is just so unpredictable. If you could know your future, would you want to? If you could go back and do things differently, would you? Maybe life is meant to be lived in the moment because that's all we ever have. The past is gone and the future is unknown. Regrets waste time, and some planning for the future pans out, but mostly not. Memories are great...(well the good ones lol) and it's nice to dream about the future but really, everything can change in an instant. Why is it so hard to be present to each moment? Maybe it's not looking for each moment to be some burning bush experience but just calmly accepting what is and remembering to be grateful for everything we have. Sigh. xo

Jann Arden - Good Mother

Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger. ...best lyrics "You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out"

David Bowie - Heroes. " Though nothing Will keep us together We could steal time Just for one day We can be Heroes For ever and ever What d'you say "