Sunday, July 29, 2012

two forward, one back...

It's been a mayhem madness Jazzfest weekend in my neighbourhood. Ugh!. I hate crowds soooo ya, why would I go down to Jazzfest lol???...cuz perhaps I have masochistic tendencies lol. Anyways, I meant to hook up with someone but realized we didn't have each others number so I suggest to anyone mildly retarded enough to do that....don't. It's the needle in the haystack thingy. Anyways, I don't usually talk about my art on here but I've been working on getting more stuff in my portfolio and I actually finally designed and purchased my business cards. It takes me forever to move forward but atleast I do....eventually. I'm now attempting to publish some of my stuff on "DeviantArt" website. I tried a couple times and kept getting error messages so I said 'fuggit' but I will try again. I was speaking to my life coach about how difficult it is for me to take empowering steps at times, but as she reminded me, 'it may take me a while but I do it, some people talk about it and never do it'...yes I know, some people go like gang busters....thats just not me. Each step forward brings up my fears and doubts, and insecurities but each time I conquer means another step of freedom.
 I'm kind of down today a bit melancholy but otherwise I feel good, hopeful about the future, my drawings and my life in general. Just missing someone but thats normal and this too shall pass.
Keep my eyes on the prize. xoxo

Didn't We Almost Have it All - Whitney Houston

Whitney Houston All at once....

Whitney Houston - Where Do Broken Hearts Go

Friday, July 27, 2012

Everybody's Free To Wear SUNSCREEN! (ORIGINAL) + English Subtitles

Roads Untravelled- (lyrics) Linkin Park

Give up your heart left broken
And let that mistake pass on
'Cause the love that you lost
Wasn't worth what it cost
And in time you'll be glad it's gone

"Roads Untraveled"
Weep not for roads untraveled
Weep not for paths left alone
'Cause beyond every bend
Is a long blinding end
It's the worst kind of pain
I've known

Give up your heart left broken
And let that mistake pass on
'Cause the love that you lost
Wasn't worth what it cost
And in time you'll be glad it's gone


Weep not for roads untraveled
Weep not for sights unseen
May your love never end
And if you need a friend
There's a seat here alongside me


Trailer: Grace, Milly, Lucy... Child Soldiers an NFB Documentary. There is also an amazing book written by Ishmael Beah about his 'memoirs of a boy soldier' in Sierra Leone. I mentioned this book a while ago but I mention it again because it's an unforgettable and haunting story of his experience.

Bob Marley Real Situation

Thursday, July 26, 2012

My Heart is Your Pinata.

I've spent a large part of my life trying to understand myself. I think it's important to understand why we make the choices we do and to learn to become a healthy, whole independent person. I've been reading a great book titled "The Breakup Bible" written by Rachel Sussman. It helps you to understand patterns and behaviours that are driven by early influences be it cultural, familial, societal and the like. When  a person has serious abandonment issues such as myself, they will invariably choose partners that are similar to the important people in their life that created these issues to begin with. In learning to look back and find root causes, one can hopefully heal and break the negative cycle of repeating patterns that lead to more unmet needs. It isn't about blame, it's about understanding. As a child I grew up in an environment where my mother was quite angry at me a large part of the time. I was told at a fairly young age that I was an accident and my conception was a result of  "her and my dad fooling around in the shower", and "he didn't even put it all the way in..." That wasn't the kind of information I needed to be privy to for one, and  secondly when I fought with my mother which was pretty much every day, she would tell me that she wanted to send me to the Childrens Aid so I could be fostered out into another family. Now, my mom and I are close now and I don't harbor resentment toward her any longer. She was a product of her crappy environment as well. My father was physically present but emotionally completely unavailable. I also looked to him for validation that wasn't available. One incident in particular was me asking him if he thought I was pretty. Every little girl needs their 'daddys' love and approval and when he answered, 'you're pretty in your own way...' it was painful and crushing. Now obviously as an adult I can look at various incidents and give an understanding and forgiveness that a child is not able to give. As a child, our parents are demi gods and any failure on their part to support, nurture and encourage is internalized as a shortcoming on the child's part. If a child receives the message of being not good enough or unlovable, they internalize it as something that is wrong with them. They aren't able to discern and say "hey mom or dad, you have some serious self esteem issues/emotional baggage that you might want to work on".
Anyways the end result is that until I heal some issues, I will continue to choose the types of men I have chosen in the past....unavailable, ones that send out mixed messages, distancers and pursuers etc, noncommittal etc.  The responsibility is in my hands. I don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes and attracting the same messed up guys that have a shit load of their own issues.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Peaceful Warrior

Peaceful Warrior. I saw that movie a few years back. I don't remember who I watched it with but I remember the movie, or at least how it made me feel. It isn't a nail biter, action packed or even particularly riveting but it's message is unforgettable.
This morning I sat quietly and went inside myself to let my body talk to me. When I'm in any kind of physical pain, it's usually because I have blocked emotions. If I don't allow myself to express/experience how i'm feeling then they will manifest in whatever way they can. A headache, irritability, frustration and an all invasive negative outlook. As I sat here I began to think about loss and impermanence. Not in a negative way, in a truthful way. Nothing lasts, absolutely nothing. Change is as sure as sure as each new moment. Getting this truth intellectually is easy, knowing it in spirit is different. The past is gone, the future is for the most part imagination and usually a dream or nightmare built of past memories and fear filled thoughts. Not creating the next moment, but allowing it must be so freeing. Not to say I won't make plans or have goals, but to have these things and still be open to the path that lays ahead with an open heart and mind is peace. The song "Thank You" by Alanis Morissette means a lot to me. I get what she's implying. 'The moment I let go of it, is the moment that I touched down...'. I've experienced that...briefly and it was amazing. I struggle so often with forcing, manipulating, wishing and denying what is only to experience more pain and frustration as a result. Letting go does not mean I throw up my arms in defeat, it means I throw up my arms so that the wind can take hold and I can soar.
from Peaceful Warrior-2006

Dan Millman: The ones who are hardest to love are usually the ones who need it the most. 

Socrates: I call myself a Peaceful Warrior... because the battles we fight are on the inside 

Socrates: People are not theirs thoughts, they think they are, and it brings them all kinds of sadness. 

Socrates: Everyone wants to tell you what to do and what's good for you. They don't want you to find your own answers, they want you to believe theirs. 
Dan Millman: Let me guess, and you want me to believe yours. 
Socrates: No, I want you to stop gathering information from the outside and start gathering it from the inside

Thursday, July 19, 2012

How Should I Know

I used to be a born again Christian. Well, that was simply the stupid label I gave myself when I decided that I ought to give the whole "Jesus is Lord" thing my full attention. I did give it everything and I was in deep. It's been a few years since I walked that road and I have no regrets about the whole experience. At the time it helped me immensely and for the most part it was good...(except when my pastor kept hitting on me and would hug me from behind rubbing his hard dick up against my ass). Anyways, long story and ancient history. Bottom line, at this point I'm not sure what I believe. Because I was able to give myself to being a Christian, I can honestly say that my doubts and uncertainties now are based on personal knowledge, not just an attitude I spew out stemming from anger or cynicism. I believe in God....but even that word seems limiting and contained.  Saying that, I still have my doubts.
 I was walking the other night and I said out loud..."God...Angels, benign spirits....is anyone or anything hearing me right now?" I looked up into the sky...lol, (Christian based habit I guess) and I had that moment of doubt, hope and wonder all milling around inside of me. "If you can hear me, then help me please...I know you aren't magic but then again I guess you kind of are...." (my thoughts get pretty confused sometimes). "Just help me please, help me to accept life the way that it is, help me let go and heal my heart please...." I guess what I'm saying is that I don't understand why prayers aren't answered so often. I know what people say...Gods time, His will, yadda yadda yadda but it doesn't help. If I'm suffering in some way and God doesn't heal me then what's the point? Sure I have lessons to learn, no shit, trust me I get it. I just get tired of it at times. I want to be happy. There are many days when I feel joyous, happy, grateful and totally thrilled to be me. Is it wrong to want to feel that way all the time? If it is wrong then tough shit because that is what I want. If I pray to the Universe, God, my ab fab creator, whatever,  then answer me ya know. Answer my prayers, cut me some slack because life is too damn short to suffer the confines of ones own battered mind and shattered heart. Here's my petition God...."Would you heal me please, heal my heart, my soul, my mind and breathe your grace into my spirit, cause God, if I'm asking...it's because I need it...please...and thank you."

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Linda Ronstadt - It Doesn't Matter Anymore

Some cool quotes.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” 
― Mae West
“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” 
― May Sarton
“Whenever you read a cancer booklet or website or whatever, they always list depression among the side effects of cancer. But, in fact, depression is not a side effect of cancer. Depression is a side effect of dying.” 
― John GreenThe Fault in Our Stars
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.” 
― Steve Jobs
“Action expresses priorities.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi
“Six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing I know is everything you love will die. The first time you meet someone special, you can count on them one day being dead and in the ground.” 
― Chuck PalahniukSurvivor
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard'
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 
― Bob Marley
“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.” 
― Bob Marley
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” 
― Maya Angelou
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” 
― Winston Churchill

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Oh Albert, you are so right on!!

The other night I came home and started thinking about a friend of mine that died a long time ago. I don't know why I began thinking about him, it was really strange. What was even stranger were the tears that I shed for him when I rarely think about him anymore, never mind cry over him. I still don't know what brought him to mind and I remember how we would sit in his room and laugh and talk about anything and everything, We were seventeen....jeez. He taught me how to make 'nooks and crannies' in my English muffins....which still makes me smile. I'm not sure why I wanted to share that. I guess sometimes the things that seem so difficult and painful will one day become just another memory. Well, that's true for everything.  Nothing lasts forever and I don't mean to sound morose, it's just that it's true. The passing of time is inevitable and memories can be forgotten, buried or cherished. It depends on the memory itself. Yes, I'm feeling all deep and philosophical right now. I've always appreciated that saying attributed to Albert Einstein- "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results"...I must be insane lol. I've watched myself stand in the same proverbial doorway for quite a while now, and repeatedly had the door slammed in my face....yet I've continued to stand there. What is that madness? Why have I chosen to deny the truth? Why have I allowed myself to say one thing, yet do another? Why have I compromised my integrity at such a cost? I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of, to be the stoker of flames for someone else's ego? I've chosen to believe the words when the actions did not line up. I'm disappointed in myself for letting myself be a convenience for someone else. I wanted to believe that this person loved me when, if that had truly been the case, we would have been together. If the words that had been spoken apparently from that persons heart had been real and true, he would have stayed with me at any cost. But he didn't. I'll never know why he said all those things. Why I was promised things that were just as quickly taken back...revoked. I was played really. I mean I know that if a man really loves you then he will have no regrets in giving you everything and he will be with you at whatever price. I know this and still I held on like a blind fool. How many times did I say it was over, only to go back. I guess we have to live and learn and learn and learn until it finally becomes clear. We take that person off the pedestal and we stop lying to ourselves with their pretty words and empty promises. I can't berate myself for having taken so long to wake up, lessons take the time they need I suppose. I look so forward to when this is all a distant and vague memory. I'm so grateful that I still have me. :) xo

Monday, July 9, 2012

Ducks in a sink have zero to do with my post.... but they're so damn cute.

I read somewhere that the mind will by default, dwell on negative and painful memories as opposed to fixating and focusing on any good things that have happened. Maybe that's why gratitude is such an important attitude. It certainly doesn't come naturally for me but when I choose to be grateful, the results are always amazing. Lately I've been able to reconnect with some people who were an important part of my life when I was in my twenties. I don't even recall how or why these relationships faded but I'm pretty sure it had to do with my reckless disregard for anything except my selfish pursuit of me, me and what can you do for me. I don't fault myself for having been selfish, it's a natural condition of youth and youths seemingly important quest for tomorrow. The belief that one needs to smash and grab, search and destroy and get while they can becomes seen for the misleading lie that it is. Any true fulfillment cannot be held in our hands, but again, only time can expose lifes important truths. I can see how the things that I thought mattered were quite empty and that what matters and what really lasts are the people and connections that touched our heart and souls. Being able to reconnect with friends from years ago is wonderful. The stuff I had back then...the clothes, gifts, jewelry...awesome hair lol, whatever...all that stuff is gone but the people, some of them that I've been blessed enough to have back in my life, they aren't just a memory. I guess all I'm saying is, it's easy to look at what I don't have or what I have lost but when I turn that around I can see that I am so blessed, so lucky and so grateful for my life and all the people in it. People will come and go but the ones that truly matter will never disappear completely as I have seen time and time again. A great quote by Chuck Palahniuk who wrote "Fight Club" is.. "This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time." which in the past would leave me feeling frantic and empty, now it simply reminds me of what is important.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

If you bang your head against the wall enuf times, it finally sinks in...and u learn to stop banging it too lol.

Life is a pretty cool trip sometimes Ok that sounded hippy dippy which I apologise for cuz I 'm anti-hippie lol. I just had an epiphany of sorts, and it's been a long time coming. It's like that song by Aerosmith "Amazing" which says ..'in the blink of an eye, you finally see the light' and that's how I feel right now. I have close friends, some good friends and a lot of acquaintances and the one thing that keeps it alive is our ability to communicate. Yes, we argue, sometimes we don't see eye to eye BUT we understand one another and if you aren't able to understand each other then the ties that bind will fray and tear in no time. I was talking to someone that I thought I was on the same page with and I realized that I have tried so hard to get this person to understand my point of view for so long and he hasn't been able to get what I'm saying. It hit me that he can't. He simply cannot relate to where I am coming from because he hasn''t experienced what I'm talking about. It's like...say.. you were really in love with someone and they cared for you but not the same way and they enjoy being around you but when you re with them, it brings up all these hopes and dreams of wanting to share your life with them but because they don't feel the same way, they can be around you and not have any type of emotional intensity. So u say to them"Hey, it's best for me to not be around you because it just reminds me that we have no future and that when you do fall in love with someone, I will be cast aside" and they respond like "Well okay but if you change your mind and I'm still not hooked up, give me a call...derp." It's nuts. So they're saying "Ya, I don't want to be in a relationship with you but until I find someone that I do want to commit to then you'll do" And they act like that's perfectly okay lol. So i know that it's up to me to put up and keep the boundaries. This other person won't because they don't feel the same way and they simply can't understand what all the fuss is about. Wow, all I can say is wow. Better late than never.  Remember, anyone can say they love you but theyre simply words when there is no action to support them. xo