Thursday, May 31, 2012

You know, sometimes we get so clouded in our own pain that we aren't able to see the path that has unfolded in front of us. We get so wrapped up in our own mind and it's web of self loathing and blame that we can't really see what's happening. Now when I write and I say "we" I really mean me. I can only share my experiences. I share because I don't think any one of us experiences something unique unto itself. I've been so hurt and feeling rejected by my ex and when I was able to look at things without making it about me, I saw a different side to it. It really isn't about me and if my ex could give me the things I want, he certainly would. There's a line in "To Kill a Mockingbird" and it's something like " you don't really know a man until you've walked in his shoes". It's a pretty familiar quote but it holds a lot of truth. My ex has responsibilities at home that are most likely far more emotionally toiling on him then he admits. Not saying he resents them because I think he does it with a loving heart, I just think it leaves little room for him to give to a partner. I won't go into the nature of what im referring to because it's personal, but I can promise you, it's a difficult thing for him. I also think he struggles between wanting to be true to himself while also wanting to go after whats "normal", the wife, kids and all. I think he wants those things but i sometimes think he isnt sure what he wants, its just " thats what youre supposed to do..." maybe i believe that because i did that. I met the guy, married, did the family thing with the house and Volvo and i partly did it because i figured it was time for me to grow up and thats just what you did. It almost killed me lol but i had to try it inorder to find out that it wasnt my dream, it was simply a belief that had been ingrained in me for years. I guess I think he is doing his best to find his way, to find out who he is beyond the image he portrays to the world. He is a good man, he's such a sweety pie, soft, kind, gentle and vulnerable and to look at him you would never ever know it. He looks tough, mean and like he could kick your ass blind folded (which he could). And he is all those things too but he is also a sweetypie. I think it must even be hard for him to trust someone enough to show his vulnerable sweet side, hard enough that he often has to run back into his man cave and grunt for a while just to feel macho again. Not macho in a derogatory sense, just all male ass macho dude like. Anyway I just don't want to keep feeling so rejected and unloved. He can't give me what I want because he just doesn't have it in him. Let me just qualify that this is my take from what I know of him, it isn't gospel. In his way he has said " I love you and I want to be with you, I just cannot give you what you want because baby, I don't even know for sure what I want" . Maybe I'm letting him off the hook but I don't think so. I understand. Ya I get mad and will still feel pissy and rejected at times but that's not going to help me. I have to let him find his way, it's sad that I can't stay in his life but I have to follow my path too. I miss him, but I have to remember the quote I wrote above. The influences of society, family, his culture, his own issues etc, how could I possibly know what's right for him. I just wish him peace,love and happiness and I hope the day comes when my heart finally mends.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I know for me, time and time again I stand on the very threshold of personal change with a lot of fear and trepidation. I repeat quotes and prayers that are aimed at how I want to think regarding my issue, not how I really feel...yet. Things change constantly for everyone, some changes go by without much notice while other changes can bring us to our knees. Those changes are obviously the hardest ones to accept and even knowing that one has to accept it doesn't necessarily make it any easier. There is always the logical mind versus the emotional mind and that's where I get tripped up. I can logically know something is right but be emotional attached which generally causes me to hold on white knuckled when I ought to be letting go. There is such a finality to some changes, especially regarding the end of a relationship for example. It's the absolute finality that wounds me inside. When you've shared your true self  with another person, when you have loved them and shown them parts of your heart and soul that only a few select people have ever been trusted with, it hurts all that much more. When they have decided on top of that to not be with you, it is hard not to feel deeply rejected even when you know that they aren't rejecting you personally. I think it's so important though to honor your feelings but not wallow in them. To maintain an attitude of reciprocity is not beneficial. You cannot maintain an open heart with someone when the gift of your heart is not received as the true blessing it really is. Yes, you forgive with love and you hold on to the memories that were wonderful and precious but there comes a point where you really must let go. I know when it finally really hit me that it was over, truly over, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I don't think it's something that can be accepted all at once but that has to be the end goal. Sometimes it takes that still small voice inside, the strong voice, the courageous voice of self love and compassion to nudge you toward the truth. To yearn for someone who doesn't want you is beyond ridiculous. To cry over someone who has consciously chosen to have a life without you in it as a partner is not worth it. I don't say this in bitterness or anger, I say it in that regardless of their reasons, they don't value you the way you deserve to be valued. There is an unspoken message in their decision to not commit to you that says "there someone better out there for me". That may be true, but when you really love someone, those kinds of thoughts don't exist. I know for me when I'm in a relationship with a man that I love, no other man out there means a thing to me. I wouldn't care if Brad Pitt walked up with Gerard Butler on his shoulders piggybacking Naveen Andrews, I wouldn't look twice because when I'm happy in love then that's all I want. I want to have a man that looks at me that way and I'm sure I will. With my previous relationship, his decision was to start a family and I get it, I really do, I just can't help but think that if he really had loved me, then being with me would have been enough. I know that sounds selfish, it's kind of hard to explain, but to choose something that doesn't exist yet, that may never come to fruition over something real seems screwy to me. I think there's more to it personally. I think he wants to prove something to his own father, prove that he can be the good dad that his own father never was. I also think he is terrified of really being close and intimate. He'd think me a complete twat for saying that but it's what I believe inside. Either way, not my business. I have to keep the focus on me and continuing down the path of self love and healing.

quotes on MOVING ON

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” 
― Tupac Shakur

“Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land” 
― Pablo NerudaSelected Poems

“It was strange, really. A couple months ago, I had thought I couldn’t live without him. Apparently I could.” 
― Gabrielle ZevinMemoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac

“Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You're aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can't be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn't be.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

“I had to cease to mourn what could never be and make the most of what was possible. And I would begin doing that by trying to mend the hurts of the past.” 
― Cameron DokeyThe Wild Orchid: A Retelling of "The Ballad of Mulan"

Quotes on LETTING GO

“I realise there's something incredibly honest about trees in winter, how they're experts at letting things go” 
― Jeffrey McDaniel

“Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over.” 
― Nicole SobonProgram 13

“If you didn't love him, this never would have happened. But you did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.” 
― Sarah DessenDreamland

“If you want to forget something or someone, never hate it, or never hate him/her. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of something, if you want to forget, you cannot hate.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that that situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve MaraboliLife, the Truth, and Being Free

“Know that everything is in perfect order whether you understand it or not.” 
― Valery Satterwhite

“Pain will leave you, when you let go” 
― Jeremy Aldana

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” 
― Steve Maraboli

Deborah Cox - Beautiful U R Lyrics

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful. Damn straight I am !!

I'm posting this song for two reasons, one, I really am going to Graceland in about ten days and secondly, I love the lyrics especially "losing love is like a window in your heart, everybody sees your blown apart, everybody feels the wind blow....cool.
Anyway, yesterday, well last nite I came to the final level of acceptance in certain areas in my life and I feel pretty ...good...okay sorta fine  lol, with it all. I know i will get thru this, i know i will meet someone new and fall head over heels in love and go thru all this heartbreak again later lmfao, nah, im keepin the faith that the right man is out there, probably staring at a wall right now.....no seriously, im hopeful and hey theres someone for everyone. xoxo

Sunday, May 27, 2012

I wanted to share something I witnessed today that bothered me so much. I was waiting with a friend of mine by the Tim Horton's out near Laird and Eglinton. We were outside chatting, enjoying the incredibly beautiful weather when a woman came out of the shoe store right beside where we were sitting. She was with her mother who was obviously quite old  and had that vacant and rather frightened look in her eyes that I've seen before in patients with Dementia or late stage Alzheimer's disease. The mother was hunched over, had a cane and it was apparent that walking was not an easy task for her. From the moment they walked outside, the daughter ( who seemed about 55 yrs old ) was verbally berating and chastising her mother relentlessly. At first we just sort of glanced over without much thought but as the minutes passed we noticed the tirade was not lessening to any degree. " I cannot believe the face you made in that store", "There is nothing wrong with those black shoes and I'm sick and tired...." "If you think for one second I enjoy wasting my Saturday afternoon taking you places...." and on and on. The whole time this verbal assault is occurring,the mother isn't saying a word.  She's looking frightened, confused and is trying her best to maintain her balance as her daughter is roughly hurrying her along. The daughters tirade is non stop. Her voice is  loud and her words and tone simply reek of contempt and disgust toward her mother. I was so angry seeing this. I stood up and said to the daughter "You leave her alone right now" She looked up at me and went to speak and I immediately cut her off and said "Don't you dare f**king tell me to mind my business either!" She snarled at me and said "When you have to care for an elderly parent then you can say something". I said "How the hell do you know that I don't, and besides, that is no excuse. That is your mother and what kind of a disgusting human being are you that you would speak to her that way. She is absolutely helpless and at your mercy, you make me f**king sick" At this point she was getting her mom into the van and the mother looked at me but still there was just pain and confusion in her eyes. The daughter made some comment about my language and I dismissed her with my hand and said "You're beyond pathetic" (plus a few other expletives) and then I turned away. My friend said in a whisper "Good for you, that was elder abuse" .Shit, no kidding. It made me sick to my stomach. My ex was on the phone at the time and I had passed the phone to my girlfriend when this all started. He heard the whole altercation. When I spoke to him after, he said "Well you don't know what kind of mother she was, maybe she treated her daughter really badly when she was growing up." (Like that makes it okay.) Give me a break. I said to him,"Then as an adult it is her responsibility to work through her issues and grow the fuck up, there is no excuse for her behaviour, none at all!" 
This may seem a harsh comparison but remember those two Menendez brothers who killed their parents and then claimed that they had endured so much abuse and that's why they did it. I remember thinking "You're kidding me, you think that's an acceptable reason to kill them, as if two wrongs make a right??"
Trust me, I know forgiveness is difficult and some things that happen are completely unacceptable, but by holding on to hatred and blame, we poison ourselves and ruin our own lives. Just fucking sad. 

Thursday, May 24, 2012

On the streetcar, gotta love wireless. Right now I'm so mad, frustrated and I feel like running a million miles away. I feel like crying but I'm not going there. I want to strangle my ex for breaking no contact. It's just a joke to him or some stupid game. What the hell does he want from me. He doesn't want a relationship with me besides chumming around.  I've said that I want no contact in order to move on but apparently that means nothing. He wants us to be friends, pals.....wow, unreal. So disrespectful.  Obviously he has no real love toward me because if he did he wouldn't be able to just be friends. Essentially he is saying to me.."I don't want a relationship with you,or anything that requires a commitment on my behalf but lets just pal around until I do meet the girl I'm gonna marry and start a family with." Uh, yaanoooo.I'm absolutely dumbfounded at how he doesn't get it. Is he that insensitive? Don't get me wrong, the ball is not in his court cuz I am done, I just don't get him and it pisses me off. One time he came back, he said so many things to me, words that I thought were real and heartfelt, words and promises that meant so much to me. I believed them as truth but they weren't true and when I saw that they weren't it tore my heart in two. It doesn't matter if I care, it doesn't matter if I wish things could be different, they are what they are and he only pursues me now out of some sense of pride or wanting to see if I'll fall back into his arms. Those arms that held me so safe and wonderfully tight. Those beautiful arms will never hold me again because I'm never going to let myself be lied to again. How many times does he want to try and break my heart y know. Jeez.

Monday, May 21, 2012

who cares

Now that Whitney is dead, I wonder if she does know where broken hearts do actually go? I'd love to know. I am seriously jonesing for a cigarette. So typical of moi. I gotz feelings that I don't want to deal with so I automatically crave a smoke. Its been peaking out for the past few days. Ive been hanging with a friend who smokes like a maniac. I asked once for a puff and was grossed out. It was stinky and ewwwwy. I don't really want to smoke, I just want to ,,,hmmmm. slowly kill myself lol. No, not really, I dont fucking know, all I know is when I feel down and lonely and Ive come face to face with the fact that I have zero control over anything, then I crave cigs. Dumb really. Its my "f u" rebellious crap. Lol. Whatever, I fluctuate between apathy and grace. Quite the pendulum swing. Right now I'm rolling with apathy. Whatever, who cares, blah blah blah...bite me etc etc and etc.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Les Miz

Gad I hate bein miserable. That sounds as dumb as 'fighting for peace' I guess. It's a fugging gorgeous day which helps....sorta.  This weekend marks the beginning of summer. My first paid holiday tomorrow in nearly three years, very cool. I'm boring as shit right now, but I need to write. I don't feel as blue as I did yesterday but   I still need to work at it. Had a killer Zumba class yesterday, could have gone for another hour was so pumped. I need to get the extra padding of my tummy since sugar and I have been highly intimate these past few weeks. Sugar. Mmmmmm. So good yet so bad.
I wish I could just get a move on emotionally but my friend says I'm too hard on myself. She thinks its too soon yet for me to be completely over him, it, us....grrrrr.I know I write too much about my break up but that's cuz its such an issue for me that triggers so many other issues. Plus I just simply miss him and it helps to write and vent. I know staying away from him is best and maintaining no contact is the only way I will heal but it is hard. I miss him so much at times I feel as if my heart will tear in two. I miss his goofy face and just having him around. I miss his arms around me, the smell of his skin, his scar on his chest and the way he absentmindedly picks at his head while watching shit on the computer. I seriously miss his goofy ways. I miss the way his feet stand straight up when he's laying propped up watching Star Wars cartoons. I miss the way he laughs at stuff that I don't think is funny at all. I miss how he drowns every dessert in custard and I miss watching him seriously fail making coconut flour pancakes ...over and over lolol. I miss the way he would giggle in bed over silly shit we'd be talking about. I even miss being referred to as Poon. That's a surprise. I miss how much he understood me and forgave me for my volatile bullshit behaviour at times. I miss his voice, especially his baby voice. I miss just knowing he was out there, that he was mine.  I miss that connection, the trust, that is so hard to come by. I have my good days, and my not so good days. I just have to keep reminding myself of the truth.....the truth, what an absurd concept. The reality, that fits better. I don't know what the truth is besides I love someone that I cant be with, what kind of bullshit truth is that. Reality, now theres something entirely different. You have to accept reality or else , well, or else you'll feel like I do. Like the saddest bunny in the world.

Friday, May 18, 2012

I used to have this friend who would always respond to certain questions about why certain things happened with "it doesn't matter why..." and it drove me nuts when he would say that. I thought, "Well of course it matters, how else can you make peace with something if you don't understand why it happened...." I think now I understand more of what he meant. It kinda goes along with the belief that the solution to any problem never lies within the problem itself. (Perhaps I shouldn't use words like always and never because few things are that absolute.) Anyways, I mention this because I was corresponding with a man who wrote a book about getting over your ex. The book is written from the perspective that you've been dumped, you're broken hearted, pissed off and feeling like a bag of rejected pus. I had asked him for some perspective in that my situation was a little different. My ex and I didn't hate each other, nor did we part on bad terms, it was simply necessary as we both have different paths we want to go down. I did the usual rant of how much I still loved my ex and that we had such a great relationship, lots of good times, laughs and genuine comfort and ease around one another. I implied that had this one obstacle not come up in our relationship, we would undoubtedly still be together. HMMMMMM. He (the author of the break up book) said one thing that really stuck with me. He said "If you're relationship really was that good, you would have been able to come to some kind of a compromise" WHOA and ouch.That is so true. I mean we didn't even discuss possible options because the truth was my ex didn't want to settle down with me, kids or no kids. He also said that regardless of the hows and whys, the healing process is the same. You have to accept that its over in order to move on. You have to "no holds barred 100 % accept it!!" If you don't accept it then you can get tripped up in false hope and that is dangerous. False hope is part of denial, a way to avoid the painful feelings that come up. Its hard accepting something that hurts, something that seems so impossible to accept but the fact is, you just have to. It doesn't happen all at once but you have to do everything you can to accept it even though it fricken hurts. You have to stop looking at your ex and the relationship through rose coloured glasses and take your ex off that damn pedestal. I guess its faith too, and a belief that if you really were meant to be together then you would be. I have my good days where I'm fine with it. I have days like today where I feel pretty sad and I miss him like crazy. That's just the way it goes.

Who's your Bitch?-You are!!

Aerosmith-Toys In The Attic (Full Album) 1975

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I was thinking yesterday how life has so many lessons...and then I thought, maybe that's what life is. Maybe the two words are synonymous. Maybe life doesn't so much have lessons as it is a kind of lesson. Maybe its a kind of process. I mean shit, what do we have to compare life to?? There isn't anything else. It just is. Sometimes I want to hold on so tight and other times I just throw up my hands and say "Okay, I'm done, I give....." and I let it all go because control really is such an illusion. We can manipulate things for a while through effort, self will, you name it, but ultimately things will go the way they are meant to go. I don't have the answers. I walk around and I shake my head alot lol because that's all I can do when I think about so many things. How I thought things would go a certain way, how I wanted to believe that promises wouldn't be broken. It doesn't matter. That's just it. Life is life. You have to do what you can and you have to be responsible for yourself. You have to try your best and you have to remember that love really is all that matters. You have to love yourself and forgive yourself completely. You have to be gentle with your soul and with the souls of others. And let go. Trust that things are the way they are meant to be especially when you've tried so hard to make something happen and it just isn't going to happen, then its time to let go. Let go in love and then let go some more.

All we ever do is say Goodbye - John Mayer (with Lyrics)


After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn. 

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Just promise me you’ll think of me everytime you look up in the sky and see a star cuz 
I’m a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon
And I’m aiming right at you, right at you
250 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I’m so lost without you, without you, without you

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Like a rollah coastah baaayyybbeeeee

Shit, I have to laugh. I wrote this whole bitchy post about how I wish I could erase my memory so I wouldn't ave to feel the pain from loss etc. In all honesty (today) I am okay with it all. Ya, we have established that \I have serious mood swings lol but whateverrrrrr.
It really is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
If the relationship was so perfect then things would have worked out. There wouldn't be a break up. Regardless of why we broke up, the bottom line is we aren't meant to be together and that's why we aren't on the same page. I don't say this to dismiss my missing him, its just in order to heal and move on, I have to come to terms with and accept reality.
I do believe that if it was meant to be it would be. I also believe that I have to take the lessons learned and really learn from them or else the whole thing was for nothing. One thing he did show me is that there are good decent men out there. I need to work on me and my self esteem so I can come to the place where I truly know that I deserve that kind of love ad happiness.
It's never about the other person, it's always about our journey, our issues and what we need to face, heal, work on and learn in/on this life journey thingy. xo

Friday, May 4, 2012

“It is difficult to find happiness within oneself, but it is impossible to find it anywhere else.”
― Arthur Schopenhauer
     I Like this quote I dislike this quote

“The Eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love.”

I don't even know what the hell I'm trying to say. I feel a bit bummed but probably because I've been eating way too much sugar and working these god awful night shifts. It doesn't exactly nurture the soul working in this room alone.......ugh. Maybe I'm lucky to have so much time to sit and read or do whatever I think I need to do to help time pass. On the other hand tho, I find myself thinking too much, reminiscing and getting my mind stuck in the past which is dead and gone with only my memories serving as life support. That movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", I watched most of it (the DVD froze 3/4's of the way through) and didn't think it was especially stellar but the concept was pretty cool. I would totally be willing to have my memories erased on certain memories. I know I've written about this before but sometimes when I feel bogged down in the crap I think about how great it would be to just not remember. It reminds me of how I've said that if I could take a pill that would make me feel happy 24/7 I would totally do it. Some people get so freaked and say how they're glad to have there sadness, pain and tough times. All their memories, good and bad, have made them who they are today etc.... Well, whatever floats your boat but I'll take the happy pills thanks with a dose of amnesia on the side.