Monday, April 30, 2012

I learned something valuable about myself today. I've been so focused on the end of my current relationship, the feelings that have surfaced and sort of blaming or implying that the issues that caused the break in the relationship were my fault. The truth is, I ended the relationship because this wonderful man that I do love and adore, can't or wont or just simply isn't able to give me what I want. I want someone to settle down with, to build a future with, commitment and partnership. I've been so focused on the issue of my being quite a bit older and unable to give him the family he wants that I've neglected to validate my own wants and needs. No one is to blame. I love him, he is an amazing guy. As much as I wish we could share a life together, he doesn't want to settle down with me. He wants to start a family. I want to settle down and build a life with someone. I've had my family, my kids are older and I don't want to have any more kids. We both deserve to have our needs met. We both deserve to have what we want. Neither one of us should settle for anything less than our hearts desires. It hurts that him and I wont be together but loving someone is a risk and I'm glad I took it. He showed me that there are amazing and wonderful men out there and he showed me that I deserve that.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

I keep trying to write but it all feels very contrived and insincere. I'm back to soul searching. I want to know myself and honor every aspect of who I am. My pain and suffering comes from a shattered place within and no one else can make that place whole again except for me. When I listen to my inner voice and trust myself, I am able to find the peace that I deserve, that we all deserve. I'm still not sure what my purpose is, but I do know that only I can figure that out. Loneliness isn't about being alone, its about being so disengaged from ones true self that the soul feels empty. All I do know is that I want to love and befriend myself. I want to root for my own team, be my own best friend and give myself whatever I believe I need. Yes I want friends and family, companions and a mate, but I want those things so that I can give and share my love, not just take love.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Fine, I get it, I give up.....sorta..

Talk about mood swings. Shouldn't it get easier saying goodbye to someone when you've said it so many times before, each time believing it was the last?? I'm so tired of aching over him, aching over not accepting life on lifes terms. I'm angry as fuck too. Angry that I ever got involved, angry that I let my guard down, angry that he doesn't love me enough to want to build a life with me, angry that he will fall head over heals over someone else and have with her, all the things I want to have with him. It isn't fair and if I could have my memory erased, I would do it in a heartbeat.
You cannot use logic to quell emotional pain because they are completely separate functions.
Back to no contact. It's the only way. Back to feeling empty inside, and lonely. I hate it. I miss him.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

You know whats funny, and not funny ha ha but funny as in "wow, I am retarded"...I am in the exact same place as I was several months ago. In spite of knowing that him and I have no future and in spite of the fact that we are not on the same page, I still continued this relationship with him. I guess I thought that I could spend more time with him and then find it easier to let go. I suck at acceptance and I suck huge at letting go. I guess a part of me hoped I would spend more time with him and grow to dislike him or get sick of him. I hoped that something  would happen that would make the idea of creating a future with him seem unappealing. I hoped that with a little more time spent together I would find it easier to let him go. Whatever. Instead I just grew more comfortable, more trusting and more at ease with him. Boooo, yuck bllaaahhhh. Every time one of my gremlins appeared, he understood. When one of my many stupidly frustrating issues surfaced, he helped me thru it for the most part and I ended up feeling safer with him than I thought I ever would. He didn't shame me or blame me and I felt so loved and understood. Yes, sometimes he reacted and pulled away which hurt but it's not like I didn't understand his reactions. Anyways I'm a dumbass for thinking that things would change. I'm back to the drawing board of learning that life has it's own course and hearts break, letting go is a must and sometimes love hurts.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Holy shit balls I haven't been on in a long while. OK gotta go. Ya i just crack myself up. 
I'm actually doing great. I am in the process of figuring out who the hell I am. Sounds...what...hippie dippy? Maybe. What I mean is, who am I really. I don't mean my physical self or my emotions, or my beliefs, my values and opinions, I mean deeper than that. 
I'm seeing how I spend so much time reacting to my environment but not acting. I rarely if ever take the lead or the reins in my own life. This stands out glaringly evident in my "love" relationships. I become invisible. I have no wants or needs other than that persons attention. I don't know how to take care of myself in a relationship and I become invisible. I'm phony, manipulative and needy but I've learned to hide it well. I have believed that some man out there could give me something that I do truly know, I can only give to my self. I'm always looking for 'him' to fill the void and emptiness and to give my life purpose. Yet I see now that this void is self created because I have abandoned myself in every way possible. I'm not even a friend to myself. My own company is not even an issue. I don't exist except in reaction and relation to my man environment. No wonder i feel so empty. But the me inside, the real me. She has never truly gone away and as much as I have ignored and mistreated her, she's there just waiting to let me into her heart. I cant explain it other than that. All I know is, no man, no person can give me the love and commitment that I can give to myself. That unless I do give it to myself, I will spend the rest of my life feeling empty. I want to know who i am and I want so much to be my best friend and the one I can rely on, the one who will always stand in my corner. That's what I am in the process of doing. Finding the voice that I have ignored and silenced for so long. I am finding it and i will continue. xo