Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Work of Byron Katie and how it has helped me so far.

I am so elated to have found the work of Byron Katie. I am not enlightened by any means nor am I in a place where total acceptance is my life. I have been able to utilize her tools aka The Work, and find some amazing peace and truth that has freed my heart immeasurably. I have come to see where my beliefs have caused me suffering. In my personal relationships I have felt disappointment because I have not seen the other person as who they truly are but as who I want them to be. My beliefs, my concepts about how my mother, father, friends, children and mate for example are supposed to behave,  blinds me to seeing who they really are. It stops me from experiencing reality. If I believe for example-my boyfriend should be more loving and demonstrative then when he isn't I will become angry, sad and controlling. If he isn't demonstrative for example I can look at what holding that belief means to me and then choose to be free from not accepting him for the way he is. When doing the work I usually come to see that the core belief is that I am not lovable or worthy. It isn't another persons behaviour, it is my attachment to the thought that I believe about their behaviour. If I believe that his not being affection is a sign that he doesn't love me then I will suffer instead of knowing that he just is not  physically affectionate and it does not mean he doesn't love me. Besides, my job is to love others, not to get their love so that I can feel worthy. It never works. Love must flow from within, outwardly. It is arrogant of me to expect another person to be someone he or she  isn't. I cannot know what choices are right for anyone else, I can only know what is right for me. no one can possibly know how the future is meant to unfold,or what is meant to be. That is God (universe) business. My life unfolds each moment. When I try to predict or plan the future believing it should be a certain way, then I close myself to all the existing possibilities and to the natural unfolding of each moment. I will experience disappointment and suffer when I invest my beliefs into how I think life should be. Love exists within and is experienced through outward projection. It is not received externally, only mirrored. When I love unconditionally, I am free to allow the love that is within me exist and flow. When I love unconditionally, my love is not dependent on the other person. No one has to fit into an image or personality that is not true to them in order to be worthy of love. we are worthy of it simply because we are. to remove the blindfold and see others for who they really are, not how we wish they were or think they should be but simply as they are, is freedom. My usual attitude of " I love you, but if it is not reciprocated then I must close my heart to you" is not loving at all. If I love you and you dont love me, thats perfectly fine because whom ever someone loves is their business, and my love is not dependent on you giving me love first.

Monday, November 14, 2011

I saw a tshirt on line the other day that said ''nobody cares about your blog''. I had to laugh. I'll take a dozen. I guess a lot of blogs out there are sort of just on line journals where people share pieces of their life experience and its shit ass boring. I don't claim to be the exception. I just feel better to put it out there sometimes. I write about the noise in my head to relieve it. It isn't exciting or gripping, it's just shit about my life.
I pretty much struggle with the same thing, acceptance, letting go and trying to stay 'happy' in spite of everything. The issues I face are as common as dirt, the emotions that I struggle with are as well, I just feel like I'm the only one whos ever gone through it. On and off for the past year I have been struggling with an important relationship that just plainly is not meant to be. We parted (I lost my mind) we came back  together (I was elated) and then recently again we parted. It isn't for lack of love or commitment, we just do not want the same things. He wants to one day have a family and because I'm approaching fifty, I do not wish to travel that road again. He's young and I get it. I've had my kids, I've done the family thing. It's just a goddman shame that we have these differences. You would think that there would be no sadness because the reality is what it is but for me that isn't the case. I miss him, everything about him and knowing we wont have a life together fucking hurts. When he came back he had implied that he had made peace with his struggle and decided that he would rather be with me and build a life than do the familial thing but he truly hadn't made a decision in his heart. I wouldnt have accepted him back had I known he was such a fickle and impetuous fucker but ...the heart wants what it wants. So yup, we have said our goodbyes afuckingain and I'm trying to just let go and move on and forget him. Not so easy but there are no other options. I'm working on forgetting him because as it stands now, he occupies my mind like a fungus. I wish I'd never met the bastard and I wish I could erase him from my memory. Time, it's always about time. It's just that time drags when you're hurting and the mind can keep you trapped. I need to be in the ''moment'', to be ''present'' but I suck at that.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I know Ive always struggled with letting go. Sometimes u can have a moment where everything becomes crystal clear and you see what u couldn't see before. I realize that in trusting that I am exactly where I am meant to be and to walk with an open heart, purpose and faith, is the key to a  peaceful heart and soul. I am learning to trust that life is unfolding as it should. In saying that I can also trust that the same process is alive and well in other peoples lives. So often I have tried to impose my will onto someone else. In my relationships I have often implied that I know what is best for someone else and that I know the path they need to take. That is so egoistic and arrogant. I can barely  find my own way some days so how on earth could I believe that I have it all figured out for someone else? With my last love relationship I have come to see that I must let go and not assume that he is here to fulfill my destiny. He has his own life to live, his own journey and I am not qualified to imply that his life should go in a certain direction because of what I want. Letting go is such a breath of fresh air. I can stop scattering and wasting my energy trying to get what I think I need but to tap into what I know intuitively. Everything I need exists already inside of me. I can trust life. I can trust that my steps are divinely guided and I am safe. I can do what I need to do, keep moving forward and let go of the panic and worry. Letting go allows me the freedom to live for myself  openly and lovingly without bitterness, resentment and fear. Everyone has their own destiny to fulfill, a plan, a purpose. Whatever is meant to be will happen without my manipulation which only yields temporary results anyways. Things ultimately go back to how they were meant to be. Gaining anything by coercing or manipulation never lasts and its usually quite a painful and draining process. Just let go and trust and get on with your own life. Live and let live.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

it simply doesnt matter.

I thought I wanted to write again but I'm feeling stuck. I know what I want to write about. I want to write about him. But a part of me is afraid to even go there because on one hand I have so much to say and yet really there isn't anything to say at all. Two sentences keep running through my thoughts....."I miss him" and the other is "it doesn't matter". I don't even want to elaborate because all the words I can find wont convey how deeply I miss him and even if I could express it, it wouldn't change a thing.
Missing someone is such a lonely experience. Its like a phantom that follows you and darkens every moment. The frustration, loneliness and yearning just keeps churning around inside you like a figure eight with no beginning and no ending, just on and on.
When I try and think ahead and imagine a future without his presence, I simply cannot bear it so I stop and try to distract myself but its always there.
To love someone and know that you're paths are not meant to be travelled together is heart breaking.
I am.
I am broken and frozen within this painful reality.
I miss him. I just miss him.
...and it doesn't matter.