This past year has been huge for me. In January I went through a breakup that sent me spiralling downward....to a place that I needed to visit within myself. It's taken a long eight/ nine months to get out from this abyss and rise from the ashes but i have. I knew I was devastated from my breakup but there was more going on than I was able to pinpoint. It wasn't regular breakup angst, it was gut wrenching pain and the punishment did not fit the crime.My ex was eighteen years younger than me and when we split it exposed all these ugly feelings I had suppressed about my getting older and facing the decline of my youth. His wanting me and finding me beautiful kept my aging demons at bay. When we split, they came at me like gang busters.
We live in a culture that is youth/ beauty obsessed. To be a woman approaching fifty is pretty fucking scary if you've spent most of your years getting by based on mostly your looks. So today I was sitting with the familiar vague sense of sadness that I have so often and I decided to try and expose it. I'm sad..okay, why? what am I sad about? I'm getting older, my face is changing. OK....so ??? I won't go into it all but I realized that I've always been searching for this elusive thing called 'happiness'. I've experienced it many times due to some outward condition, but the minute the conditions change, so does my happiness. I know it sounds like I'm going off topic but it really is all connected. Everything I've always believed I needed or wanted has had to be found outside of myself.....and I have never found it. Having men find me attractive has always been something I desperately needed. If I felt unhappy, all I needed was a man to desire me and everything was perfect again. My low self worth, my feelings of unworthiness were too painful to deal with, so I didn't. I got my feelings of worth through male attention. Now, I realize this demon has got to be slayed for once and for all. Yes men still find me attractive but it isn't working like it used to. I don't get the attention like I once did and that's why these painful feelings that were never dealt with have surfaced and caused me so much unwanted pain. I now have the chance to heal something that has lay crippled within me for years. I know now that I have got to find my true self worth because I can't fall back on the lies any longer.
What if what I really need is already within me. Actually, I know it is. Always trying to fill myself up from the outside has never worked. It's quieted the demons for a while at times but I've never truly fooled myself into believing that anything outside of myself can provide me with lasting peace. What if I were to stop trying so hard to find happiness and stop looking for it outside of myself. What the hell is this thing called 'happiness'. What a goddamn farce. Yes I have things in my life that give me cause for great joy but that isn't the happiness I'm referring to. That happiness always depends on something external in order for it to be maintained......very precarious, no wonder the other side of that coin is fear. What if I just stop. Stop worrying about what I look like and whether I have wrinkles. I'm not twenty five anymore and I never will be again and even tho I work out, I'm not going to look like I did when I was younger. I don't have the body I had then even with working out. Why don't I quit trying to avoid the truth and embrace reality. Ya, I'm getting older. Am I still desirable...uh ya. sexy, yup, beautiful, yes in great shape..totally. Do I look like I did when I was in my twenties...nope. So what. I'm not in my twenties. It's time to expose the lie for exactly what it is. All the things that I believed I needed in order for me to feel good about myself were placebos. They were temporary band aids covering a sore that I was afraid to look at. I'm not going to be afraid anymore. This is me and i am absolutely amazingly perfect the way I am. Yes I'm older and that is simply one aspect of many that make up who, what and how I am. I am free to be myself and free to stop trying so hard to recapture something that is no longer mine to hold. Who I am hasn't changed, I'm still me and that is the greatest gift of all. xo