Monday, August 29, 2011

Just do it ...or not.

There's a line in the song Rockstar by Nickelback- This life hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be. I can relate. Not complaining, I'm actually feeling super d duper this morning. I think you have to make goals and take steps yet always be aware that life has it's side streets and sometimes you're gonna find yourself lost on one of them but that's okay. I read an article this morning about certain traits that 'successful' people seem to possess that differentiates them from the rest of the herd. ( Don't even get me started on what constitutes success, that's for another post) I've never been good at setting goals. You know that retarded question they give you in goal setting questionnaires "Where do you see yourself in one year, five years,ten years??" I always respond to that one like a deer in the headlights..."duh, I dunno...uh...five or ten years older, is that the right answer?" Maybe that's the chink in my armor. I've never been one to plan ahead..(.that explains a few things lol). I don't even feel comfy buying bulk because I have serious commitment issues. Not kidding.
I guess it doesn't hurt to read these helpful goal setting articles but I don't expect any miracles on my end. I have a vague idea of what I'd like to but I'm not one for serious strategic action. Guess I have to accept my personality flaws. I have plans, there is a course I'm looking into but don't ask me where ill be in five years. Probably sitting here wondering where I'll be in ten. Wow, very de-motivational huh. Who fucking knows.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Oh Shut up already

I felt like writing something profound, but I haven't a single profound bone in my body. So lets get boring shall we. I've been taking horsetail supplements, silica or something and I'm itching like a whore, allergic reaction perhaps....if I never post again then we'll know it was fatal.
I decided tonight to do this healing ritual thing over my retarded ex. I know, its tres fucktarded that I even still go on about him considering he is long gone but obviously theres a deeper issue at hand for me. I wrote out a huge petition type letter on a drawing he did once. I said thanks for all the great times, the beach blanket layouts, the talks, the laughs and the piggyback in the rain. it was a time of my life. I said how much it hurt me that he couldn't love me enough to see past my bullshit and that I felt he broke a million promises when he bailed. I forgave and asked God, Jesus, the Angels, the whole team to help heal my heart for once and for all and to sever with finality any and all ties between us body, soul, mind and spirit. I think I loved him more deeply than I've loved anyone....but so what because that didn't keep us together. I wished him the best and...well....and nothing. Just goodbye forever. I know I will see him as we work in the same hospital but I hope that when I do see him, I will feel nothing and that any memories will be void of emotion.
Love is a wonderfully tragic experience. You never know how bittersweet it may end up tasting. Its funny when someone doesn't love you back the way you love them, not funny haha but funny like...oh fuck, kill me now.  he has attempted contact but not for any other reason than his ego gets stroked by his thinking that I'm all love sick for him. I don't love him anymore. I suppose what I love if anything is the memory of what I thought we had or what I hoped we would become. Didn't happen. Anyways, if he even knew I still wrote about him he would be dumbfounded because he is so over me and in love with someone else. But whatever, I'm me, no apologies there, my journey isn't open for the judgement of others. He was everything i wanted, for him, I was another chick, so yes its been harder for me to move on. I am interested in a few other guys and I'm certainly horny enough to jump someones bones but the time isn't quite right yet. But it's a coming hehehehe. Anyways, what is life without experience, pain, heartbreak....you can only feel the depths of those things when you've felt the depth of love and joy. Wouldn't trade that for all the waffles and ice cream in the world. Life is still amazing, beautiful and worth every second.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Dream or nightmare, whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I dreamed I  was a stripper and me and this other chick stripper were walkin around butt??buck??? naked and she said "it's okay to walk around like this cuz we have great tits" lmao. Then I wanted to find a dollar for the soda machine so I could grab some coke for a rum and coke and I took it from a change jar that the other strippers had and this girl says "You can go ahead and take that dollar since you need money for plastic surgery since you're 59 yrs old"???WTFFFFFFFFFFFF. lmfao. what the hell was that about. weirdoooooooooooo dreeeaaaamm I had a few other weird dreams too.....too fucking strange to even try and write about. Psycho chyko dweams bioooooooo.

Raw Video: Policeman Vs. Kitty

Monday, August 22, 2011

Just Kill Me Now K, Thanks....

Was just listening to that song by Adele- Someone Like You. Fuck shes a gut wrencher. That song rips my heart out. It's beautiful but so sad and haunting.

Friday, August 19, 2011

great site


How to Dance When You're High on Life

No More Bein A Hayyyytttaaahhhhh.

Okay okay, Ive decided to stop being a hater bitch. No more bitching and complaining about my ex because seriously, who gives a wank. Who hasn't had their heart ripped out, shit on, smeared across the floor and then picked back up, shit on again, wiped their ass with it, spit on it and then tossed it out the car window at two hundred miles per hour.Everyone has had their share of heartbreak. If you haven't then its just a matter of time. But for me to spend anymore time indulging in my misery is unproductive and only keeping me stuck in the dead zone.
I actually look forward to meeting someone new. That wont happen if I'm walking around with the chains of my past strapped to my skinny little ankles and tripping me up every other step.
Underneath it all, I'm a heck of a gal. I'm funny and outgoing, I have a big mouth in all senses of the word. I'm blunt but kind and modest as all fuck.
I believe in lust at first sight, and that texting and emailing is fine but you have to get to know someone face to face. Most real communication is done without a word being said....u cant know someone without being physically present to them.
I think that most men are pigs but not in a bad way. I'm seriously not putting them down when I say that, its just they are penis whores and need to be acknowledged for that. They are ruled by the need to release their jizzyjazz. I love and hate men. I don't get why men and women were created so goddamn differently. Yes women love sex...blink blink blink...but men can fuck a cherry pie and carry on without a care, women...not so much.
I think life is an awesome gift but with some serious default prizes in the losers circle. I think cigarettes should be good for you and that you should be able to pull your hair to make it grow as long as you want.
I think the winter sucks large and people should be able to live in whatever country they want without a hassle. I think sex with animals is over rated and that horror movie characters like Jason and Michael Myers are sexy....weirdoooooooooooooooo. I would totally do Darth Vader especially if he said "Tell me you love me" while we were doing it. I think young girls should stop dressing and acting like whores without accepting the consequences. I don't walk into a Dennys and wear a waitress uniform and then get all pissy if someone assumes I;m a waitress....so girls, stop wearing the uniform of being douche bags. Even tho I would probably do it if I had the money, I think breast implants are a sad commentary on society. I think the more honest someone says they are probably means they lie like fucking OJ Simpson.
I think Guy Finley is one of the most amazing spiritual teachers ever and even though Eckhart Tolle is cool too, he bores me into a coma. I think super rich fuckers should share the love but not to people that don't want to work and suck the life out of the system. I think stay at home moms rock and that family is not appreciated enough.
I think no matter how butt ugly you are, make up can do wonders. I think every women should be good at blow jobs. I think coffee should flow freely from the tap like water and that when you meet someone for the first time or go to their place and they don't own a single book, you should slap them and never talk to them again.
I think life is short. Pet stores should be outlawed and that the menstrual cycle fucking blows large.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I know no one wants to read about me ranting and raving about my ex. I don't even want to hear it. I know better than to dwell on the past yet its so easy to do. The mind left to its own devices is negative by default and prone to rehashing memories because that's what by nature occupies it. Deliberate choices about where one allows the mind to go means taking the high road and not giving in to the familiar replaying of emotionally charged past events. Focusing on some imagined future isn't the answer either, that can just lead us into a fantasy world. The present moment...why is it so difficult to stay present? I guess being used to allowing the mind to fall into imagination is why the present moment seems so boring. In truth, it should be anything but, yet without the comfort of imaginations, I feel blah blah blah. So now what? How do I live in the moment, have purpose but stay aware? No clue. I don't want to dwell on the past and I don't want to fantasize about the future either. I want to be in the moment and live accordingly. Time to read more Guy Finley I guess, he seems to know the way, I sure as hell don't. I think part of the problem is, I know what I don't want, but I don't know what I do want. Its up to me to figure that out, perhaps that's the first step.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Do not go there.

I love that stuff I wrote about earlier, y know making the choice as to whether or not you're gonna let yourself fall into the mire of misery playing in your head. One of the cool things Guy Finley says is that when you refuse to express that negative state, you are in essence expressing the part of you where that bullshit does not exist. Thats huge, and it supports the growth of the healthier parts of our selves. It's like, when I have an opportunity to bitch and complain about my ex but and I choose instead to not start ranting, then I am getting that much closer to real peace and forgiveness. That is what I want, not for his sake but for mine. I know the damage being angry and resentful can do to a person. Never mind feeling emotionally drained most of the time but all the sickness that you invite into your body by being ravaged with anger and rage. Forgiveness can be so hard tho. It can feel like a weakness, like a loss but that's crap. It's almost as if negative emotions have an existence on their own. If they can get you to dwell upon them, it's as if the energy produced transmutes them from being thoughts to actual concrete entities. Sounds weird but anyone ever in the grips of some horrible angry and desperate state knows exactly what I mean. I cannot wait until the day when I feel nothing toward him, and it will come, it always does. :)

Right now.

Guy Finley is one of the most amazing spiritual teachers I've ever encountered. His practices on overcoming negative states take an obviously deliberate mental process but the results are liberating.I find that the habit of being and staying immersed in my negative painful self talk is so entrenched in my psyche that breaking its spell feels uncomfortable and alien to me. When one of my hateful thoughts creeps in, I can choose to see it and not identify with it. Although these thoughts insist that they are real and need to be honored, they are not real in the sense that they have to be expressed. By not identifying with them, they cease to have a life of their own. Any unwelcome state can be objectively viewed and rejected and there is great freedom in that. Repeatedly remembering and reliving a painful memory does not heal it at all. It only serves to keep the past alive. Believing that going over and over some past event will somehow lay it to rest is a common misleading idea. The past cannot be changed. Letting it go is as simple as just letting it go. Refusing to continue to keep it alive means I no longer am a slave to painful memories that only serve to keep me stuck in my pain and hurt and thereby continue to draw more of that energy into my life. Living in the present moment allows a newness to exist that would otherwise be blanketed by the past. it takes a huge effort but in the few times I have successfully met the moment without baggage of the past, I feel unburdened. I actually can feel alive and hopeful.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

more blah blah blah...blah.

You wouldn't think by my posts that I have a spiritual bone in my body, I do, they're just a bit brittle right now.  When we are in the middle of any situation, we aren't able to see the whole picture. Besides, the picture we see is always one based on our past experiences. we never see anything new or for the first time. Everything is filtered through our lens of experience, good and bad. We allow ourselves to grab on to the emotions that surface as if they were some kind of truth, something that we need to understand. They aren't. I liken my emotional responses to situations as visitors that have come uninvited and are crowding into the room clamoring for acknowledgement and attention. They come with an identity of their own and they try and persuade me into believing that they are the truth, the light and the way. What they are is the past trying to come back to life, rotting corpses that want my identity in order to feel alive. "this is who you are...this is your self" Uh uhhhhh. In order to stay alive, they must convince me that they are real, and they convince me they are real by telling me that what I'm experiencing is who I am. Another uh uhhh. Who I am, who we all are is greater than any limiting belief or thought. It's so hard to see beyond what our senses tell us is real. Yet a small part of this knows the truth, feels the authenticity in the concept because it resonates within true spirit. The leap between intellectual understanding and our hearts true breath is where I want to arrive. It isn't anything we have to do, just something we have to see but with our spiritual eyes. its beyond our senses yet it as is real anything can ever truly be.
So ya, lately I'm a bitchy, angry disgruntled rejected ex-girlfriend. Ah, but there's hope for me.

Fyi dude....you suck.

I find it funny.....and not funny ha ha but funny like "wtf",  that two people can have such a completely different take on a situation. Forgive me for belaboring the issue but I'm going to talk about my ex again. I screwed up and said some seriously hurtful shit to him which is why we broke up. As much as i apologised for losing my temper and not dealing with my feelings in a responsible way, he never really forgave me. He said he did but you can tell. If someone has truly forgiven you, they don't keep bringing the issue up, making smart ass comments and that sort of thing. I think the clincher for me was when he said the song "Rolling in the Deep" was his take on it. I said ''dude, that is such a hater song, how could you think of what happened between us in reference to that song???" That's when I knew. He would not ever really forgive me. he would say he had but inside him with his macho testosterone soaked ego was the voice..."screw you bitch, you will never have me again for how you hurt me.." He's a kid, emotionally, mentally, so what did I expect?  I expected him to have balls enough to let it go. Beeeep. Wrong answer. Did he really view the situation as I took his heart and completely played him?? What??  OMG, that is absolutely ridiculous. Is that what we do in order to absolve ourselves??? We blame is such a ridiculously stupid way. No wonder I'm hating on him right now. His lack of forgiveness is about his stupid male pride and ego, it's  not about what I did and that it was so reprehensible and unforgivable. GRRRRR. It infuriates me that he feels so justified. I am alot of things, but not a player. I screwed up. I have issues and I told him that. My repentance was genuine and I was sincerely remorseful and sorry for my outburst. He let me pay and pay for what I did. Real nice guy. Anyway, who needs someone so petty in their life. Apparently he's perfect and doesn't screw up, yaaaaaa okay then. He just thinks he's so blameless. Ha. Whats even funnier is he wants to stay friends. Of course he does because he loves thinking I adore him. He loves knowing how much I care(d) while he stays cold and distant.  Of course he wants me around, there's his stupid ego again. So arrogant, so self-centered. He played me if anything. He made promises and commitments in word but sure not in deed. FYI, the months i was crying, asking him please to forgive me....he was fucking his new girlfriend and building a future with her without telling me and just letting me go on and on believing we could reconcile. Asshole.  Good luck with the new girl, you may wanna work on your relationship skills abit first little man, cuz you arent the hub of the universe like you think and dude, people make mistakes....learn this new word...forgiveness. Ya, say it again ...forgiveness.  Cool huh?.Ya, I'm pissed, so what. I have cut him out since 100 %. Blocked calls, blocked emails, texts... everything. Time to say 'byebye'-thanks for nothing fugger. I wont stay angry forever but shit, when I think about how he wouldn't forgive me it really burns my butt. Jerk. He doesn't even see it either. Wow, unreal. Anyway, as Lauren Hill sings-" I used to love him...I don't now..." . Whatever love I thought I had for him was wasted and is so gone baby gone with each day of reckoning. I deserve so much better than some petty little boy. And the thing is, I will forgive him!!, for real in my heart, something he knows nothing about.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Hate is such a strong word and I like it!!

I've been posting on a website called called 'LovesAGame.com for the past while. It's been such an amazing place for me to vent and share with other people going through similar experiences. Sure it could be seen as a 'misery loves company' kind of vice but that's up to each individual on whether or not they are willing to heal and move forward. I love that when I'm feeling really angry, I can post on there and not worry that someone is going to advise me to 'take it down a notch or keep it together.' Anger is an emotion, just like any other. It has a bad rap because of how many people act out their anger and hurt others, not because anger is bad in itself. It can be hard when you are in that stage tho, it's a tricky emotion.  Its empowering on one hand but it also suffocates your life force, slowly snuffing you out. Lately whenever I think about my ex, my first thought is "Fuck I hate him".Childish, yes, a bit extreme...yes, masking some serious pain....YES. But you know what, whatever, so freaking what. My anger wont last and if I feel the need to rip the little maggot apart then I will. I'm quite aware that the only person I'm hurting is myself but I don't care. I have to go through it in order to move past it. There is no "right' way. There are alot of wrong ways but it's all about the final destination.
Ya, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I feel used, misled, and abandoned. This too shall pass. It takes time. I'm not spiritually dead enough to stay in this place of anger and blame. When it's time to move on then I will.

Monday, August 8, 2011

“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.” ~Dream for an Insomniac

By Letting Go.

In response to my previous post....'how do i let go??' ..by letting go. You find the truth and you stop kidding yourself and lying to yourself about the situation. You stop digging  in the dirt for a piece of yesterday that has dissolved into compost. You stand up and have dignity for yourself. You trust that if it were meant to be it would be. You learn to surrender because what you are doing and have been doing, isn't working! You release the stranglehold you have on the situation, you release and let it all go............exactly to where its supposed to go. You trust that there is a higher purpose and that life wasn't meant to be so controlled, so gripped that you cant sleep at night. You stop feeling sorry for yourself and you get on with your life. You stop giving all your thought, time and mental energy to something that you are completely powerless to change. You stop believing that someone or something has the key to your happiness. You wake up from the illusion that anything out there is permanent. You trust....God, Universal Intelligence, Spirit....whatever you want to call it, you trust that it knows better for you. And you let go.