Sunday, July 31, 2011

How the Hell Do I Let You Go?

I believe in the duality of the Universe, the yin yang kind of thing. Everything that exists must have an opposite in order for it to be. My dilemma is the mind and heart. Right now I am facing a difficult situation where my heart feels one way and yet my intellectual mind knows that the path my heart wants to take, can only lead to a mirage. Bear with me as I get the yucky details but... Two years ago, I met a man that I had an instant energy flash with. I cant describe it,  all I know is the moment I saw him, I knew something was meant to occur for us. We started out as friends and got along amazingly well.  Basically,  I can get along with anyone but, there a few people that I truly click with. He was one of those people. Its just there with some people, an unspoken comfort, hard to explain. With him we were both in relationships when we first met so we kind of jokingly flirted but nothing serious. Our age difference being eighteen years meant we weren't likely to pursue anything romantic either being as I, the female was the older one.  BUT...and heres the big but...After about a year we did actually hook up. It was entirely physical in the beginning and I had no intention of it becoming anything more than friends with occasional benefits. Yet, we laughed, we talked, we shared ourselves and eventually, we fell in love. Our "love" relationship was short lived though as I constantly struggled with our age difference and  I ended the relationship because I also  have serious issues with trust etc.  Anyway, It has been almost eight months since we split and I have tried no contact for periods of time but never for too long.  Only recently he was able to explain to me why after I broke it off and then wanted to get back together, that he wouldn't. I knew I had hurt him but I couldn't understand why he wouldn't even give me another chance. Only after six months was he able to process in his mind and then express to me what was going on for him and why he wasn't willing to reunite. In the back of his mind , he knew he wanted a family and I couldn't give him that. My age, the fact that I already had two children over sixteen, it just wasn't gonna happen for us. Wrong time, wrong place.  So here I am knowing I love this man but I cannot give him what he wants. He knows it too...so why are we even in touch?  I was so good at no contact but lately we've been talking and chatting and I know I cannot do this. We have no future and I would love to be fiends but I cant. I cant love him the way I do, romantically, and befriend him knowing eventually he will he fall in love and start a family with someone else. Its killing me.
So now I have to walk away and I don't know how without my heart absolutely shattering. But either way, my heart will pay dearly for loving him. How do you walk away from someone you love? Do you draw strength from knowing its the right thing to do? A part of me knows that we ought to have  absolutely no contact yet his absence in my life is deafening and I miss his friendship so much. I have never been faced with this type of situation.  What is the Universe asking of me? A sacrifice? or is it simply a bump in life's shitty old road? Is this door meant to close so another can open? Am I being tested on whether or not I really do trust Divinity? I cannot for a second believe there is someone out there better suited to me, that I could love as much as or more than I do him.  So yes, I know I have to say goodbye, have no contact for at least a year til I am over him (I'm hoping) and accept that it can never be. I want him to become a father because I know he will be an amazing dad. Do I want to see him with someone else?...no, ...to fall in love with another woman?....no. But yet I do want him to have those things, to fall in love, start a family, he deserves that. Only that pained selfish part of me doesn't want that for him. But truly in my heart  I want him to be happy and having those things would make him happy. So why does it hurt so bad?  My heart aches indescribably at saying goodbye.
There really isn't any argument is there?  I have to walk away and hope his dreams come true without me in them. I've never been faced with this kind of situation. It's horrible. My intellect is fine with it, my heart is crushed.

Friday, July 29, 2011

God, Gawd and OMG

I keep forgetting I have a new blog, ooopsy. Everything has been tres crazy for me these past few days. I wont go into the monotonous details but basically it comes down to whether or not a person believes life is random coincidence or that much of our experiences are meant to teach us something, bringing us closer to knowing our divinity within. I'm obviously of the latter. I have gone through so much this year, starting in January and I have come through some experiences that I wondered whether or not I would truly ever be able to find my way through the pain. I have prayed art times in vain and other times, had my prayers immediately answered. Its a weird thing this Spirit, Source, Universal Intelligence...whatever you want to call it. Unfortunately the God title has so much bullshit attached to it, I think that label keeps people  further away from knowing God than anything else. I usually refer to it as spirit. The name is obsolete in my opinion. Anyways the point is , we can fight life and kick and scream every step of the way or we can begin to trust in life and allow ourselves to somewhat release our death grip and let life happen. Not easy, but not impossible. I recommend anything written by Guy Finley. He is the man in my opinion. He says it in a way that can be understood, not too over the top ethereal stuff. Check him out.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think.

I had a blog a little while back titled "loveblowshuge". I was going through another earth shattering breakup and decided to blog my way through it.. Very cathartic....helped me work my way through the healing process (yuck) and vent my ass off. When I no longer felt the need to go on about some dumbass breakup, I began another blog about relationships..ha...ya, okay......that bored me into a coma so I deleted it.
Now, I've begun this blog just for the hell of it. If I want to bitch, rant or just share some little anecdote, a blog is a perfect way to do so. What's that expression....'opinions are like assholes, everybody has one'. Never a truer word spoken.