Isn't it always the case that life will give you the lesson you need most at any given time. And even with all of my work towards self improvement, awareness and the desire to get real....., I can still get knocked on my ass when a curve ball comes my way.
At the time, everything I know gets tossed out the window and I react with the same old patterns that have crippled me for so long. Yet it's also those experiences that brought me to the place where I knew I wanted to break free. It's easy to follow the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie, Guy Finley and the like when life is relatively calm but when things go tits up then that's the real test.
Yesterday was a horrible day for me.Without going into too much detail I can simply say that something happened at work and I defended myself like a mofo. <-----RIGHT THERE! That was my first clue (that I missed at the time). I defended myself. I know that the minute I become defensive that there is a problem. I'm attaching to, investing in some kind of ego concept the minute I feel the need to defend. Then apparently since that didn't wake me the hell up, life threw another crap ball my way. I got smacked with that one dead center. Did I rise to the occasion!? Oh ya, I basically became so irate that I was ready to quit my job and tell everyone to kindly go f**k themselves sideways.
Now if you can relate to this type of behaviour then you will understand how grateful I am that some part of me will no longer feed that saboteur. Yes I got pissy but in the past I would have quit and I would have believed that " I sure showed those asshole losers ha ha ha" But now I can see that I only end up hurting myself. Trust me, it isn't easy for me because my ego, gremlin, saboteur....whatever you want to call it, will try with all it's might to convince me that I am right, they are wrong and I am more than justified to behave the way I'm behaving. Well, that's bullshit. If I've learned anything at all, it's that pride and ego can only feed themselves and lead to more pain. My responsibility is to me. It isn't about them and it never is. Either I want to wake up and become the person that I know I truly am or I can continue to live like a pinball reacting off of every curve, bend and paddle that shoves me along. No. I won't live like that anymore.
It took me hours of non-stop arguments in my head before the light came in and I saw the truth. What was I defending? I had to look within and see if there was any truth to what was being said and if there was, then I wanted to open my heart and admit where I was wrong, where I was allowing the poisonous thoughts and beliefs to control me. I know that I haven't shared the details but it's because the details don't matter. The point is, every painful experience provides the opportunity ot keep on living in the dark conditioned mind or break that shell of defense and allow the light of Spiritual truth to come in and open the heart.
Today, when I awoke, I could clearly see the truth. I don't owe it to anyone else than myself to see where I was wrong and admit that I had been behaving out of my darkness because darkness exposed to light dissolves.
I'm happy today. Yes, I still have to go in to work and face the music but I can and I will because I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it because I want to be all that I am. I am not hate, I am not poison. I am love, truth, peace and ever evolving just as I hope to believe we all are. The light of consciousness is the only path I want to stay on. The curve balls may always come but they don't have to hit me if I walk straight and remember that I AM. xo
Just puttin it out there
ok yum
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
The world is insane for sure
First I have to recommend the movie "Intouchables". Subtitles but no biggie and to be honest I'm just in the process of watching it, but just from trailer it looks amazing. God all warm and fuzzy just from bit I saw...so check it out.
Wanted to write and never seem to make the time but gonna right now.
Had to mention how it never fails when I'm working on something, the good old spiritual quest thingy, I'm always faced with issues that allow me the opportunity to challenge myself and put my 'goal' into practice.
I'm a huge Eckhart Tolle fan. I suppose he says whats been said before but he does it in such a way that I hear it clearly. Sure, not everything computes but even then, a small something inside recognises the truth in his words. I bought his small book -Stillness Speaks, which are short but very inspiring quotes. They are small bits of wisdom to meditate on. Lately I have been incorporating (or at least attempting to lol) his steps towards peace, present moment awareness and acceptance. I see how easily he can be misunderstood because much of what he says resonates on a deeper level of soul and spirit. If you take what he says into your head only, it won't work but if you take it into your spirit and let it hum, it will melt into your heart and soul in such an irrefutable way that you cannot help but be at peace.
Constantly I have to bring myself back to one truth that reminds me that if I resist what is, I will suffer. No, that doesn't mean just lay there like a door mat, it means when it's what is then it simply is what is. To fight or resist what has already occurred is a sure fire way to live in anger, insanity and the past.
Anyways I'm in the process of finding within a way to be free from identification with form, specifically my body. I still intend to exercise and take care of myself (ya ya, I'm still smoking) BUT to stop placing my value and worthiness through my physical appearance. Really hard but as I age I know that I have to face this demon. If I try to fight aging then I not only give more power to aging but also, I cannot fight what happens to us all. I don't need to try and look young but look as good as I can for me. Again though that really is so meaningless and anything or anyone acquired through appearance has no lasting value. I don't want to feel so bitter and envious of young beautiful women but often i do because I no longer have that youth on my side. My goal, to look good but not to try and attain looking twenty five etc. Cant be done, losing battle. Suffering will result. It would ultimately be awesome if I wasn't attached to my appearance at all. Lets hope!! I am, we all are so much more than our appearance and yet so much of society screams at us and assures us that how we look is all that matters. Such bullshit and yet so all pervasive. This one is gonna be tough but I want to see my true value because then it will be that much easier to see it in everyone else. xo
Wanted to write and never seem to make the time but gonna right now.
Had to mention how it never fails when I'm working on something, the good old spiritual quest thingy, I'm always faced with issues that allow me the opportunity to challenge myself and put my 'goal' into practice.
I'm a huge Eckhart Tolle fan. I suppose he says whats been said before but he does it in such a way that I hear it clearly. Sure, not everything computes but even then, a small something inside recognises the truth in his words. I bought his small book -Stillness Speaks, which are short but very inspiring quotes. They are small bits of wisdom to meditate on. Lately I have been incorporating (or at least attempting to lol) his steps towards peace, present moment awareness and acceptance. I see how easily he can be misunderstood because much of what he says resonates on a deeper level of soul and spirit. If you take what he says into your head only, it won't work but if you take it into your spirit and let it hum, it will melt into your heart and soul in such an irrefutable way that you cannot help but be at peace.
Constantly I have to bring myself back to one truth that reminds me that if I resist what is, I will suffer. No, that doesn't mean just lay there like a door mat, it means when it's what is then it simply is what is. To fight or resist what has already occurred is a sure fire way to live in anger, insanity and the past.
Anyways I'm in the process of finding within a way to be free from identification with form, specifically my body. I still intend to exercise and take care of myself (ya ya, I'm still smoking) BUT to stop placing my value and worthiness through my physical appearance. Really hard but as I age I know that I have to face this demon. If I try to fight aging then I not only give more power to aging but also, I cannot fight what happens to us all. I don't need to try and look young but look as good as I can for me. Again though that really is so meaningless and anything or anyone acquired through appearance has no lasting value. I don't want to feel so bitter and envious of young beautiful women but often i do because I no longer have that youth on my side. My goal, to look good but not to try and attain looking twenty five etc. Cant be done, losing battle. Suffering will result. It would ultimately be awesome if I wasn't attached to my appearance at all. Lets hope!! I am, we all are so much more than our appearance and yet so much of society screams at us and assures us that how we look is all that matters. Such bullshit and yet so all pervasive. This one is gonna be tough but I want to see my true value because then it will be that much easier to see it in everyone else. xo
Monday, April 15, 2013
Sunday, March 31, 2013
wkey wakey
Been spending the past week immersed in Eckhart Tolle. I had read his first book a few yrs back but I wasn't ready for it. He blows my mind and I get occassional "aha" moments when I listen to him or read his books. He did a ten week series with Oprah discussing each chapter and it's amazing. One particular episode (I'm on class 5) discusses the pain body. When he goes into it, I was able to clearly relate to what he was saying about how the pain body feeds off of intimate relationships in particular. At about twenty five minutes into the episode he discusses something that was so accurate in me and it was such a revelation to gain some understanding as to what was the root of my negative behaviour was about. At some point with any 'love' male/female relationship, I attempt to emotionally devour my partner. When I look back on my behaviour I feel as if I were literally possessed at the time. Until I heard this, I was not able to understand why I would treat someone that I loved, with such horrible hateful behaviour. Knowing that I have the awareness and therefore the ability to recognise what is happening on an unconscious level is very freeing. Eckhart says "and of course, when the pain body takes over a person, the whole personality becomes transformed. Sometimes people are shocked when they marry somebody or start living with somebody and this lovely man or woman that they love so much suddenly one morning turns into a little monster. A total energy shift in them, a complete change in energy like it's truly as if they were possessed by a completely different, very negative personality. etc... Wow. I thought I was the only one. I am thankful that I have a clearer understanding to my behaviour.
Recognising the mind chatter for what senseless jabber that it is, the ego with its need to be right, and the 'stories' and judgements created out of perceptions filtered through the ego, all cause suffering, all these things can be lessened with staying present and staying aware.
Recognising the mind chatter for what senseless jabber that it is, the ego with its need to be right, and the 'stories' and judgements created out of perceptions filtered through the ego, all cause suffering, all these things can be lessened with staying present and staying aware.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Because it is.
Last night I was walking from work and feeling quite sentimental about someone...(notice the word 'mental' is in there) , anyways I decided to approach my 'problem' using 'The Work" of Byron Katie (nice parents, name their daughter Byron) anywaysss....I like her stuff altho I don't always get it or know how to really utilize her approach. It helped immensely tho last nite. I love the simplicity of it. I was doing a 'one belief at a time' worksheet and if you're familiar with the work then u know its about questioning our concepts, stories etc. It isn't what happens to us but our story that we've attached to the experience that causes us problems. When we believe our thoughts we suffer, when we question them and hold them up to the light per se, we don't suffer. Everything really is a mirror and an opportunity to tear away the false beliefs that create our misery. One example is "I miss so and so" okay, so that's just that but when I say 'oh I shouldn't still miss this person, jeez whats wrong with me, God what an idjut I am ...'etc etc. Then the reality of missing someone becomes all this other shit. That's the negative attachment. I don't suffer from missing someone, I suffer if I believe I shouldn't and that I'm some fuck up because I shouldn't miss them still. So I drop the story, I drop the judgement and self criticism that turns that thought into a whole emotional ball of crap.. I miss so and so becomes ...I miss so and so...period. How do I know it's okay to miss them?? Because I do, period and that's reality and it is not all the judgement I attach to that thought. In one of her books I have on audio this woman is doing the work on her boyfriend sorta guy who is unavailable. "I need him to call me" and Katie asks "So what do believe when you think the thought he should call you and he doesn't?" She replies "That I'm worthless, unlovable, not good enough". So again, there is the cause of her suffering. It's what she believes about herself because he doesn't call her. The problem isn't his not calling, it's her story about what it means when he doesn't call. Katie will go on to say "So how do you know you don't need him to call you....(silence)...because he isn't calling" It really is as simple as that. Simple but not easy because our minds left unquestioned will attach meaning to everything and that meaning which is our often painful story will devour us. When I get in that place of truth, I feel so good. It makes sense because it is not reality that bites, it's our story about what everything means. Onward and upward mofos. xo
www.thework.com
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”
“How do you react when you think you need people's love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can't bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren't, and then when they say "I love you," you can't believe it, because they're loving a facade. They're loving someone who doesn't even exist, the person you're pretending to be. It's difficult to seek other people's love. It's deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.”
― Byron Katie
www.thework.com
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”
“How do you react when you think you need people's love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can't bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren't, and then when they say "I love you," you can't believe it, because they're loving a facade. They're loving someone who doesn't even exist, the person you're pretending to be. It's difficult to seek other people's love. It's deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.”
― Byron Katie
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
fack. Thats my post lol. Fack...fack it, oh fack and wut tha fack.I'm beyond sick of winter, snow, cold ass air and layers of clothing. My kids are both off to Cuba next week so that's great for them. I'm too po to go now but maybe one day soon. I need a break, a change, it's rutsville again for me. Lately its an endless cycle of -woohoo Friday-oh crapola Monday...cheery aren't I.
We were talking at work about gratitude. Sometimes that word dries up in my mouth. It's like rainbows, butterflies and ooey gooey BUT I know it's the right
attitude to have. It isn't hard to come up with a zillion things to be
thankful for but its meaning it, really feeling it that
matters. Sometimes, for as much as I desire growth, moving forward and
working on my shit, I just don't make the effort. I think about it but
that's not enough.Where am I going with this?? No where, I just wonder so much about so many things. It's like, if I'm me and i want to do something, work on something but I don't do it, then who is that? I mean, I know it's me but why the conflict. Does everyone feel like that, torn or like you're waging a war against yourself at times. My coach calls them our gremlins but if they're a part of me then why are they such shit disturbers. Why do we have to have an inner part that wants to sabotage our efforts? Maybe enlightenment is when that gremlin is completely and permanently indisposed, instead of the other way around. I dunno. Why is really being you're own bestest friend so hard. Maybe it's easy for others but not for me. Mind you I think a lot of people are zombie-ized anyway. I'm not trying to be mean or judgemental, just honest. A lot of people couldnt care less. How nice for them but thats not workin for me, never has. I just want peace, happiness, love, and apparently that has to really really rrreeeeaaaalllly start from within. Beautiful, fack. Fack!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
PINK ROCKED
Was at the Pink show tonight at ACC. Had a blast. I really love Pink and it's funny because I actually had an epiphany during the show. I'm always thinking about how Pink sends out such a positive message to women, girls etc because she's straight up, strong, tough yet feminine, beautiful and amazing because it's all about being who you really are with her. My beef in the past tho was at some of her songs which I thought were kind of wimpy..."don't leave me' boo hoo madness and such, and I always dissed her for that. Then I realized that it's because I don't accept that part of myself. Yes I'm strong, capable, independent, tough, courageous and a fighter AND I'm also weak, vulnerable, scared, insecure, frightened and fearful at times. So I'm thinking about that and I turn to my friend and say how I love Pinks strength but I've always had a hard time accepting that weak ass side to her when it comes to men and relationships. My friend (who I've only known about three years) sez...."Oh jeez, cuz you're exactly like that too!" I said "I know!!" and we burst out laughing.
The show, by the way, had an amazing encore with Pink acrobating around the stadium to "So What", one of my fave songs and it was amazing. She sang "Who Knew" which made me cry cuz it reminds me of my bro and actually, I cried three times and so did my friend. Then Pink was introducing her band members and she said to one chick, the bass player I think...'plus I like you because you cry all the time like I do" and I thought "fuck, amen sistah"
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Do It For YOU
There comes a point where you realize that certain things just aint workin for you. I've come to that place quite a few times over various things and it takes whatever it takes to move forward. I've seen all too many times people (myself included obviously) struggling with an issue and then chastising themselves for struggling with it. Thats about as helpful as using gasoline to put out a forest fire. Why we believe that beating ourselves up is effective in goal reaching is baffling.
One thing for sure is the importance of setting a goal. And I don't mean mulling stuff over in your head and then deciding "Ok, ya ya, that's what I need to do" and then moving on. I mean sit down, get quiet and ask yourself 'what is it I want to do here?' Get honest first because if you're anything like me, you can bullshit yourself til the cows come home. Trust me, I have some of the best arguments with myself. I have to call myself out a lot! I recently made a decision about a relationship that I had told myself about thirty seven thousand times before, I was not going to continue with. Then of course I would get right back into it. I thought 'Jezus, when am I am going to stick to my word and stay 'no contact?" and my response was "When you get clear on what you really want". That was the aha moment. I break the promise because I don't even really know what the hell the promise is. Thinking about stuff in your head is one thing, getting clear and getting real are another. So I sat down, got quiet and said "What is my goal here?" Okay, it's to have zero contact with this person. And I asked myself..."Are you sure thats what you want because you keep saying that shit and then you do make contact! so which is it cuz I'm tired of your bullshit and I'm tired of your lack of integrity and broken promises to yourself."...(Yes I do argue with myself this way but I like it lol), Touche...and, I continued with my self tirade...'if you want to stay in contact then say so and do it and accept that you enjoy suffering, otherwise quit the crap'. So I thought about it deep and hard and realized yup, I honestly do want no contact so I can close the door and move on. Getting real is not easy but it's the only path to ourselves that aids in creating a meaningful life. It means facing our controlling and manipulative behaviours which serve only to keep us stuck, miserable and focused on externals (people,objects, addictions) that we mistakenly believe are going to save us, change us etc...and hows that workin for ya? It isn't! I got honest about why I was really maintaining contact. Why have I stayed in touch with this person? Well cuz they're my friend (bullshit)and ya know, (bullshit)we enjoy talking to each other and it's okay that they dumped me (bullshit) to find someone more suitable cuz we can stay friends(bullshit). Wow, really?? isnt that cozy...and detrimental, unhealthy and uh a great way for you to keep the fantasy alive that they will come back and ummmm what else, a great way to avoid closure, yup that too, and a fantastic way to keep you from meeting someone who will treat you with the love, commitment and adoration you deserve. Wake up! Have some self esteem and move the fuck on. Whether or not this person is nice, great, was a friend...blah blah blah, this isnt about them.
Make the goal from a place of inner truth and honor yourself, put yourself first, stopping putting anyone else's needs first especially when it compromises your integrity and values. Let go, trust and love yourself enough to put yourself in the drivers seat. People this is not a dress rehearsal.xoxox
One thing for sure is the importance of setting a goal. And I don't mean mulling stuff over in your head and then deciding "Ok, ya ya, that's what I need to do" and then moving on. I mean sit down, get quiet and ask yourself 'what is it I want to do here?' Get honest first because if you're anything like me, you can bullshit yourself til the cows come home. Trust me, I have some of the best arguments with myself. I have to call myself out a lot! I recently made a decision about a relationship that I had told myself about thirty seven thousand times before, I was not going to continue with. Then of course I would get right back into it. I thought 'Jezus, when am I am going to stick to my word and stay 'no contact?" and my response was "When you get clear on what you really want". That was the aha moment. I break the promise because I don't even really know what the hell the promise is. Thinking about stuff in your head is one thing, getting clear and getting real are another. So I sat down, got quiet and said "What is my goal here?" Okay, it's to have zero contact with this person. And I asked myself..."Are you sure thats what you want because you keep saying that shit and then you do make contact! so which is it cuz I'm tired of your bullshit and I'm tired of your lack of integrity and broken promises to yourself."...(Yes I do argue with myself this way but I like it lol), Touche...and, I continued with my self tirade...'if you want to stay in contact then say so and do it and accept that you enjoy suffering, otherwise quit the crap'. So I thought about it deep and hard and realized yup, I honestly do want no contact so I can close the door and move on. Getting real is not easy but it's the only path to ourselves that aids in creating a meaningful life. It means facing our controlling and manipulative behaviours which serve only to keep us stuck, miserable and focused on externals (people,objects, addictions) that we mistakenly believe are going to save us, change us etc...and hows that workin for ya? It isn't! I got honest about why I was really maintaining contact. Why have I stayed in touch with this person? Well cuz they're my friend (bullshit)and ya know, (bullshit)we enjoy talking to each other and it's okay that they dumped me (bullshit) to find someone more suitable cuz we can stay friends(bullshit). Wow, really?? isnt that cozy...and detrimental, unhealthy and uh a great way for you to keep the fantasy alive that they will come back and ummmm what else, a great way to avoid closure, yup that too, and a fantastic way to keep you from meeting someone who will treat you with the love, commitment and adoration you deserve. Wake up! Have some self esteem and move the fuck on. Whether or not this person is nice, great, was a friend...blah blah blah, this isnt about them. Make the goal from a place of inner truth and honor yourself, put yourself first, stopping putting anyone else's needs first especially when it compromises your integrity and values. Let go, trust and love yourself enough to put yourself in the drivers seat. People this is not a dress rehearsal.xoxox
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Hello Pheonix
When ever we go through a period of emotional stress, a time when our inner resources need to be called upon to give us the strength or insight to work our way through something, it's so important to allow ourselves the compassion and understanding that we so readily expect others to provide for us. We often seek out a good friend and confidant to validate our decisions when, if we truly gave that to ourselves, we wouldn't depend on others to give it to us. It's easy to get caught up in wondering why we haven't moved past an issue or why we are still struggling but those 'whys' become an avoidance and stumbling block if we aren't careful to see them for what they are. We can mistakenly believe that answering those questions will help us move forward but so often they become one more tool stemming from a place of self flagellation and not a rung on the ladder of successful healing. When we focus on the question 'why', we are no longer trusting in the process.
There is no handbook or clear cut process to success. Yes, there are steps that we know we must take, attitudes to develop but unless we embrace the process without comparing ourselves to others, we can get stuck in believing that we should be doing it 'this way' or 'that way' and as a result, our healing grinds to a halt.
For so many of us we believe that we are the master director, puppeteer, and script writer for every 'character' in our life. The truth is we are only in control of ourselves and even that is debatable. Letting go and acceptance mean we release the white knuckled grip that has us believing we're in charge. As difficult as it is, and yup it is, we trust that we are being watched over, cared for and that life is for us, not against us.
Trying to control any situation will ultimately backfire because we simply cannot do it. We try, well I know Ive tried and it never works. And then I try harder and it still doesn't work.
When we look at how things haven't worked in the past, we don't need to beat ourselves and stamp the 'failure' mark on our foreheads. Nothing we go through is worth regretting if we learn from it. The trouble is so often we run around inside of our head chasing our gremlin instead of quietly sitting with ourselves and gaining insight. Stop focusing on why and release the need to figure it all out. Learn from the pain, in the sense that it can awaken us to behaviours and issues that we need to face about ourselves lovingly. We haven't failed anything, especially when our experiences bring us closer to knowing what we do want in our life and where we need stronger boundaries. One of my issues of control is getting involved with someone romantically and then trying to hard to keep their love. I start thinking if I meet their needs, go along with what they want, never ask for what I want, that they'll just be so darn happy to have little miss agreeable by their side. it's deadly insidious and its a breeding ground for resentment and anger. I know now that giving up who I am inj hopes that I can become what I think you want me to be is toxic and ridiculous. I'm not referring to healthy compromise, I'm talking about "so who do you want me to be?" bullshit. Yuk and did I say YUK!
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Who we are, what we like, what we do, whatever, cannot be adjusted to fit someone elses agenda. Yet we all do it to varying degrees and like I said, I'm not talking about normal give and take, I'm talking "so who do I have to be to please you?" No,stop it. We have to have the confidence to stay authentic. It's like dating someone who is unaffectionate and you know that but you
think 'well maybe they will become more affectionate when we are in a
committed relationship". Yes, you can ask them if you need some
affection but to hold onto a belief that they will change and become all touchy feely love love is only going
to cause resentment down the road. See, we meet someone who we fall for
because they fit our 'criteria' for the most part. In the places where
they fall short we erroneously believe we can get them to be that way if
we cajole and annoy them enough lol. We wear blinders. I for example where a lot of eye make up. I remember dating a guy who shortly into the relationship would comment about 'why did I need to wear so much make up? What? Ok that ex. is superficial but you get the point. If I wore it all the time when you first got to know me and you don't like girls who wear make up then what the fug are you doing with me? In the past tho I would have tried to not wear it or toned it down instead of giving that shit right back and saying "cuz I do and if you don't like it then go find someone who fits your image cuz it aint me. Those things may seem harmless but they aren't! I'm also an on/off smoker, okay ya it's not wonderful but it is what it is. If I quit because my partner thinks I shouldn't smoke then WRONG. If you came into the relationship knowing I smoked then deal or scram but don't bug me about it. If I quit because I want to but usually I quit to try and please them. I have jumped through flaming hoops for some men only to realize that it does not work. Ever. No more hoops. What you see is what you get, if you don't like it then you are free to move on. I will not change for anyone anymore because I am perfectly ME.
We are who we are and I don't mean that acting like an asshole is acceptable with the attitude "well thats just the way I am" Im not saying that at all, wehave to give and take but thats not the same as trying to please someone and cease being yourself which I have been notorious for. They love me for who I am and then I become someone else thinking they will love me for. If thats not stressful (acting/pretending) then what is.
Be yourself because you are the only person like you in the whole wide world. xoxo
There is no handbook or clear cut process to success. Yes, there are steps that we know we must take, attitudes to develop but unless we embrace the process without comparing ourselves to others, we can get stuck in believing that we should be doing it 'this way' or 'that way' and as a result, our healing grinds to a halt.
For so many of us we believe that we are the master director, puppeteer, and script writer for every 'character' in our life. The truth is we are only in control of ourselves and even that is debatable. Letting go and acceptance mean we release the white knuckled grip that has us believing we're in charge. As difficult as it is, and yup it is, we trust that we are being watched over, cared for and that life is for us, not against us.
Trying to control any situation will ultimately backfire because we simply cannot do it. We try, well I know Ive tried and it never works. And then I try harder and it still doesn't work.
When we look at how things haven't worked in the past, we don't need to beat ourselves and stamp the 'failure' mark on our foreheads. Nothing we go through is worth regretting if we learn from it. The trouble is so often we run around inside of our head chasing our gremlin instead of quietly sitting with ourselves and gaining insight. Stop focusing on why and release the need to figure it all out. Learn from the pain, in the sense that it can awaken us to behaviours and issues that we need to face about ourselves lovingly. We haven't failed anything, especially when our experiences bring us closer to knowing what we do want in our life and where we need stronger boundaries. One of my issues of control is getting involved with someone romantically and then trying to hard to keep their love. I start thinking if I meet their needs, go along with what they want, never ask for what I want, that they'll just be so darn happy to have little miss agreeable by their side. it's deadly insidious and its a breeding ground for resentment and anger. I know now that giving up who I am inj hopes that I can become what I think you want me to be is toxic and ridiculous. I'm not referring to healthy compromise, I'm talking about "so who do you want me to be?" bullshit. Yuk and did I say YUK!
Who we are, what we like, what we do, whatever, cannot be adjusted to fit someone elses agenda. Yet we all do it to varying degrees and like I said, I'm not talking about normal give and take, I'm talking "so who do I have to be to please you?" No,stop it. We have to have the confidence to stay authentic. It's like dating someone who is unaffectionate and you know that but you
think 'well maybe they will become more affectionate when we are in a
committed relationship". Yes, you can ask them if you need some
affection but to hold onto a belief that they will change and become all touchy feely love love is only going
to cause resentment down the road. See, we meet someone who we fall for
because they fit our 'criteria' for the most part. In the places where
they fall short we erroneously believe we can get them to be that way if
we cajole and annoy them enough lol. We wear blinders. I for example where a lot of eye make up. I remember dating a guy who shortly into the relationship would comment about 'why did I need to wear so much make up? What? Ok that ex. is superficial but you get the point. If I wore it all the time when you first got to know me and you don't like girls who wear make up then what the fug are you doing with me? In the past tho I would have tried to not wear it or toned it down instead of giving that shit right back and saying "cuz I do and if you don't like it then go find someone who fits your image cuz it aint me. Those things may seem harmless but they aren't! I'm also an on/off smoker, okay ya it's not wonderful but it is what it is. If I quit because my partner thinks I shouldn't smoke then WRONG. If you came into the relationship knowing I smoked then deal or scram but don't bug me about it. If I quit because I want to but usually I quit to try and please them. I have jumped through flaming hoops for some men only to realize that it does not work. Ever. No more hoops. What you see is what you get, if you don't like it then you are free to move on. I will not change for anyone anymore because I am perfectly ME.We are who we are and I don't mean that acting like an asshole is acceptable with the attitude "well thats just the way I am" Im not saying that at all, wehave to give and take but thats not the same as trying to please someone and cease being yourself which I have been notorious for. They love me for who I am and then I become someone else thinking they will love me for. If thats not stressful (acting/pretending) then what is.
Be yourself because you are the only person like you in the whole wide world. xoxo
Monday, February 25, 2013
Ah fug, whatever.
Lately I have been forced to re-evaluate two important relationships in my life. My two "best friends" have been a part of my life on and off for over thirty years. There have been times we've been inseparable and times when we hardly spoke at all because of lifes little twists and turns that took us on different paths. We have always somehow managed tho to find one another again and reconnect. The three of us definitely have history and familiarity, but sometimes you have to step back and re-evaluate the dynamics and look at what youre giving/getting out of these relationships and are they nurturing or draining your life energy/force? I realize nothing is black and white and there are always trying times as well as good times BUT overall there has to be a positive upward motion in any relationship or else the static energy becomes stale and loathsome. Unfortunately when you have history it becomes easy to fall into a pattern of a kind of emotional flatlining. You stay because you've always stayed sort of thing and perhaps for reasons we aren't consciously aware of. Do I love these guys? Of course! Would I do whatever I could if they needed me? Without a doubt. Would I stay around even if our values, ideologies, level of integrity, and attitudes changed dramatically? Hmmm, good question and one I'm facing in a way. If you're anything like me then the harshest criticism you face is from within. Your severest judgements bubble up from inside and that can make trusting your inner voice very difficult. Your gremlin can sabotage your efforts and try and convince you that you're being a self righteous judgmental twat when in reality you are setting personal boundaries that are coming from a healthy self esteem that is alerting you to something that is no longer working for you or acceptable any longer. With both these people, different issues have triggered this response within me. Without going into detail, the one was recently arrested for illegal activity that isn't earth shattering but none the less, illegal. It isn't even the fact he got nabbed for doing what he does that bothers me, he's been doing it for over thirty five years, it's his reaction to it. His overall critical attitude towards life is of a victim. I get that because I have struggled with changing that within myself and my attitude. But he isn't struggling to change that at all. He sees his arrest as how he has been wronged, victimized, persecuted. Not once has he looked at this experience as a possible wake up call to a way of living that is not honoring anything positive for him. He has so much going for him but it's lost mostly because he chooses to get high every day and talk the good talk but never walk it. He has yet to step back and take responsibility for his arrest by seeing that it happened as a result of him engaging in illegal activity. Nope, he's right and theyre wrong. I just, I hoped this would shake him up enough for him to see how he could spend his time becoming the person he says he wants to be, fulfilling his dreams and goals. Aint gonna happen. We had a huge fight because I wanted him to see the positive side to this experience and see it as an obvious sign of what really isn't working for him, hit the proverbial rock bottom and rise from the ashes. In order for me to stay engaged in any conversation, I have to nod and agree....."yes, poor you, how unfair this whole experience has been..." When I tried to explain that a real friend would say "Good, you've been knocked down, now get up, give your gddmn head a shake and wake up!" he couldn't hear that. I have to be phony because unless I support his victim mentality then in his eyes I am a traitor. The only traitor in all of this is him. He has betrayed himself, his ambition, his dreams and he has abandoned achieving his life purpose and how in fuck am I supposed to support that? I work hard on facing my demons and struggles. It's no picnic but I want better and I want my life to mean something. I was created for a purpose in my opinion and damned to hell if I'm going to let my life pass me by. I'm far from perfect and I'm pretty fucking nuts sometimes but I try to look at myself and remember that no one else is my problem at the end of the day.
With my other friend, I feel so distant from her. Our issues started out for a different reason. I admit I was hurt and angry initially, but the whole experience gave me insight into our relationship and how unfulfilled I feel at times with her on many levels. I love her a lot but again I have to quiet my "self" in order to get along. It's okay that we don't share the same insights and attitudes but sometimes it feels so awfully lonely to be around someone and have such little to relate on. I feel as if we have grown apart so much. I don't want to go out and get drunk all the time. I rarely drink at all anymore simply because I don't really enjoy it. Yes a few at a party but not shit faced drunk, I just find it a waste of time. Maybe we simply have grown apart. Maybe in time we will reconnect, but right now it's just not working. I don't expect someone to mirror me in order for us to get along. I just want to be able to have a meaningful discussion, talk about shit that matters and right now what matters to her and what matters to me are not from the same page, not even the same book. I guess I'm transitioning again. I say that because changes like this always happen and I don't even notice them until it's kind of passed. I don't care if I sound judgmental because that is not where I'm coming from. Thats why I mentioned the 'gremlin'. I don't think they are wrong and I'm right, I just think our differences are detrimental to ignore. I love them both and they love me but what does that mean ya know. In the issue with her, she has basically discarded me for her new boyfriend and altho we have talked about it and Ive told her how much it hurts me, she keeps doing it. We used to talk almost everyday,text, email...something. If I don't call her then I don't hear from her. period. I get that her being in a relationship is going to take up more of her time which means less time for our friendship but this isn't less this is nada, zero, zilch. She has done this with every guy and I have tried to talk, told her how it hurts me and she apologises but then nothing changes.Bottom line, that is not the way you treat someone that you 'love'. Talk is fucking cheap and actions really do speak louder than words.
I had a friend years ago and her dad loved her, always told her that he loved her, he also liked to fuck her, so really, what does "I love you" mean when the actions of a person are anything but loving.
With my other friend, I feel so distant from her. Our issues started out for a different reason. I admit I was hurt and angry initially, but the whole experience gave me insight into our relationship and how unfulfilled I feel at times with her on many levels. I love her a lot but again I have to quiet my "self" in order to get along. It's okay that we don't share the same insights and attitudes but sometimes it feels so awfully lonely to be around someone and have such little to relate on. I feel as if we have grown apart so much. I don't want to go out and get drunk all the time. I rarely drink at all anymore simply because I don't really enjoy it. Yes a few at a party but not shit faced drunk, I just find it a waste of time. Maybe we simply have grown apart. Maybe in time we will reconnect, but right now it's just not working. I don't expect someone to mirror me in order for us to get along. I just want to be able to have a meaningful discussion, talk about shit that matters and right now what matters to her and what matters to me are not from the same page, not even the same book. I guess I'm transitioning again. I say that because changes like this always happen and I don't even notice them until it's kind of passed. I don't care if I sound judgmental because that is not where I'm coming from. Thats why I mentioned the 'gremlin'. I don't think they are wrong and I'm right, I just think our differences are detrimental to ignore. I love them both and they love me but what does that mean ya know. In the issue with her, she has basically discarded me for her new boyfriend and altho we have talked about it and Ive told her how much it hurts me, she keeps doing it. We used to talk almost everyday,text, email...something. If I don't call her then I don't hear from her. period. I get that her being in a relationship is going to take up more of her time which means less time for our friendship but this isn't less this is nada, zero, zilch. She has done this with every guy and I have tried to talk, told her how it hurts me and she apologises but then nothing changes.Bottom line, that is not the way you treat someone that you 'love'. Talk is fucking cheap and actions really do speak louder than words.
I had a friend years ago and her dad loved her, always told her that he loved her, he also liked to fuck her, so really, what does "I love you" mean when the actions of a person are anything but loving.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Yawn.....zzzzzzzz
Gads, haven't been here in a bit....conveniently bypassed Valentines Day hehehehe. Watched a bizarre documentary titled "Catfish". Was a bit draggy but really fugged and actually sad as shit. Don't want to give anything away about it other than.....yikes. People can weave some serious shit thanks to the internet. Sure people can impress us face to face with false personality traits and the like but the internet could be renamed the land of make believe.....wait, isn't that California?
Winter needs to piss the hell off. So sick of snow, wind and wearing enough gear to clothe an entire village in a third world country. Tasteless comment....why yes.
Did I rant about having to change work locations?? I think I went on about it a while ago, as it turns out, I really enjoy my new setting. Isn't that life. Not that a gazzillion people didn't already rag on me for getting so upset for nothing but oh well, live and learn.Where I am now I have little interaction with patients and do most of the locating (paging doctors). It's clear cut, no mess no fuss. Before I had to deal primarily with patients and trying to figure out how to help them which is more difficult than it sounds. Anyhow, I really like it. No it isn't rocket science but it's a full time decent paying job and for that I am thankful.
Anyhow, I don't feel like getting into anything too deep today, that can of worms isn't open for discussion today so I apologise for a boring post but wanted to check in.
Cheers. xo
Winter needs to piss the hell off. So sick of snow, wind and wearing enough gear to clothe an entire village in a third world country. Tasteless comment....why yes.
Did I rant about having to change work locations?? I think I went on about it a while ago, as it turns out, I really enjoy my new setting. Isn't that life. Not that a gazzillion people didn't already rag on me for getting so upset for nothing but oh well, live and learn.Where I am now I have little interaction with patients and do most of the locating (paging doctors). It's clear cut, no mess no fuss. Before I had to deal primarily with patients and trying to figure out how to help them which is more difficult than it sounds. Anyhow, I really like it. No it isn't rocket science but it's a full time decent paying job and for that I am thankful.
Anyhow, I don't feel like getting into anything too deep today, that can of worms isn't open for discussion today so I apologise for a boring post but wanted to check in.
Cheers. xo
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Freddie Mercury
I had a mad crush on Freddie when I was a girl. His overbite was probably to blame lol as I had quite buck teeth myself. Cute like a baby kangaroo lol.
Mercury was a Parsi born in Zanzibar (no not the strip bar lol, I just crack myself up) . Anyways, he grew up there and in India until his mid teens. His birth name was Farrokh Bulsara.
What an incredibly gifted man he was. A few yrs back I watched a movie titled "And The Band Played On" which was about the Aids epidemic and the credits are played to Elton John's "The Last Song". They show pictures of people who died from Aids related illness. As soon as Freddie's face flashed on the screen, I fricken bawled. You can't love someone you never knew but I sure held a deep affection for his music and voice. xo
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